Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Tory New Year Optimism Not Contagious

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Tory PM Dave Scameron used his New Year's political propaganda message to announce the UK is ‘heading in the right direction’ and he can now see a glimmer of light at the far end of the tunnel – which spiteful critics are speculating is probably another train coming.

Conversely, not all would agree with Posh Dave’s arrogant declaration that Broken Britain’s ‘making real progress’ and ‘heading in the right direction’ – with Ron McScrote of the Taxpayers Alliance opining to a gutter press hack from the Daily Shitraker “If that’s wot Scameron believes, then he’s deludin’ himself - or his TomTom GPS is totally fucked up.”
“While we might not be as bad off as the effin’ Yanks wiv their $16 trillion bucks overdraft ter the shifty Shylock banks wot owns the Fed’ an’ are now headin’ ter do a lemming leap ter certain political seppuku off this ‘fiscal cliff’ of theirs – by the same rule neither are things as hunky-dory as the effin’ Tories are makin’ out wiv the Debtocracy quagmire wot Broken Britain’s bollocks deep in – an’ wiv no way of extricatin’ ourselves while we’re a part of this here parasitic EUSSR community.”

Disregarding McScrote’s caustic venom the prime minister admitted that 2012 was a tough old time for people on less of a take home pay than MPs (£65,000 quid plus expenses), but the chaps who voted Conservative in 2010 could look forward to 2013 with a realistic sense of optimism.

“Okay, there are no quick fixes to the UK's economic problems, especially after the mess New Labour left us with – but we’ve made real progress on cutting the financial deficit by slashing welfare benefits. On top of that we’ve managed to get almost half a million unemployed people into part-time work experience jobs for Christmas – plus 1,000 new Asbo Central Academy schools have opened as part of our ‘NEETS off the Streets’ campaign.”

“We might be living in a Debtocracy because of Gordon Brown and his pet albino Darling’s past mismanagement but at least we’re not as badly off as the Yanks - as old Barky’s got problems on a Biblical scale with their fiscal cliff and all that rot and having to go begging to the Rothshite crime syndicate’s Federal Reserve again for another sodding handout to carry on their foreign wars of aggression and supplying the Israelis with arms – ‘and’ getting Homeland Security all prepped up to declare martial law, confiscate all the guns, and toss every Bolshie redneck into one of FEMA’s holiday camps.”

“On the subject of economies, I was a bit worried after we sort of won the election and decided to let Georgie Osborne play Chancellor and have the keys to the Treasury as he was always a terror with budgeting at Oxford and pissing his spends and lunch money up the wall - but obviously our piggy bank’s in better shape than the Yanks.”

“So while the road ahead’s still pretty stony - and it will be tough going for a few years yet - I personally don’t see the long-suffering common herd kicking off into revolution mode and upsetting the apple cart and all that – or Tom and his mates Dick and Harry calling each other ‘Comrade’ and whistling the Internationale while plotting the overthrow of the Crapitalist system and turning Bucks Palace into a Travelodge.”

“But I believe that the proletariat – all those blokes who wear blue collars or whatever and had to go to comprehensive schools as they’re so thick – and ended up in manual labour jobs due having no Masonic Brotherhood connections to open a few career opportunity doors for them – even these people, with room temperature IQs, realise they’re better off backing us than that sodding oick Ed Millipede and his New Labour gang.”

“I will admit there have been one or two screw-ups – like that daft Hug-a-Hoodie idea one of the prats in the Nudge Unit came up with – but that’s think tanks and spin doctors for you – makes a chap wonder whose side they’re really on at times.”
“But come January 1st and I’ll be off my bum, no more chillaxing, and back sorting out our problems and see how that new Commissioner chap, Hulk Hogan, is getting on at Scotland Yard with the three investigations they’ve got going to root out all those kiddie fiddlers infesting Whitehall and Westminster that used to get free tickets for Top of the Pops and have a quick paedo grope in Jimmy Savile’s dressing room at the BBC.”

“Speaking of the Plod Squad, we still have this bit of a problem with them telling all kinds of lies about the Scousers at Hillsborough which has come back after all these years like Dickens’ ‘Ghost of FA Cup Semi-Final Matches Past’ and bitten them right in the arse – plus all the nasty lies they’ve told about Andy Mitchell and got him into all kinds of trouble for allegedly calling them a bunch of plebs. Now there’s a good excuse to make a bunch more of the ‘untouchable’ buggers redundant.”

“Thus I say sod the critics – unless they’ve got something really constructive to contribute – unlike that back-stabbing oick Nick Clegg and his Lib-Dum coalition gang – and Ed Millipede’s New Labour sicko’s.”
“You know, it’s nice to be appreciated for a change and I received a spiffing Christmas card and a box of dates from one of my Shitney constituents last week, a Mr Frank Madeupname, who’s been out of work and living off Jobseekers Allowance since he was made redundant in June of 2010.”

“Anyway, Frank says in his little missive how grateful he is for the £60-odd quid a week he gets in unemployment benefits and will still be voting Tory at the next election – even though some Polak who can hardly speak any English is now doing his old job at half the salary.”
“Okay, let the critics laugh – but at least I’m not getting violently attacked and stabbed to death by my constituents during a surgery session like Stephen Timms. Now that just goes to show you what New Labour voters think of their MP’s.”

Thought for the day. Oh well, to assess Scameron’s commitment to purpose and sincerity, don’t listen to what the twat says - just observe what he does – for they’re never the same thing.

Hmmm, Posh Dave flogging discount New Year optimism at bargain prices might just be catching – as in a country where knighthoods are handed out to blokes who can ride a push bike at full pelt without falling off, then we’re all in with a chance for success – and our Andy Warthole-predicted 15 minutes of fame – until a truck or bus takes a left turn and squashes us.
Just get the local councils painting them cycle lanes a hi-viz shade of green, Dave – and educate truckies to use their mirrors.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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