Met Plebgate Inquiry to Interview Millions

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

UK Plod Squad officers from Carlisle to Dover - and Penzance to Geordieland - are being cajoled into making statements regarding their personal third-hand knowledge of insider rumours, texts and tweets concerning the 300 officer strong investigation into the ‘Plebgate’ scandal that stitched up Tory MP Andrew Mitchell and triggered his resignation and ensuing fall from political grace.

The gospel according to whistle-blowing moles deep inside Scotland Yard claims members of the Diplomatic Protection Group – the Met unit involved with the scandalous Downing Street incident - have been contacted to provide their individual perjurious versions of events that might paint Mitchell as an even bigger obnoxious cunt that he actually is – while in a parallel process exonerates the DPG and other erring Met officers from any and all involvement in spicing up the litany of false accusations against the hapless ex-Chief Whip.

However the Police Federation director Ron McScrote informed press hacks that he considered the move to have the entire British police force submit their input to the inquiry as wholly over-zealous due it being a ‘rather pointless’ exercise to involve officers not on duty in Downing Street at the time of the now infamous ‘verbal spat’ altercation.

Conversely the Met’s head honcho, Commissioner Hulk ‘Scouse’ Hogan, issued a retort that he, alike Conan Doyle before him, believed ‘thoroughness’ was the key to sound police work - and who might know where some piece of incriminating evidence may just turn up from – one that would ensure Mitchell’s pariah status political career is devastated to the point where he was demoted to tea boy and handing round a plate of biccies.

The star-crossed Mitchell, a superbly arrogant die-cast Tory, handicapped by his habit of opening gob before engaging brain, allegedly referred to the Diplomatic Protection Group officers manning the Downing Street access points as a bunch of ‘plebs’ and ‘dog wankers’ during an altercation last September when they refused to kowtow and open the main gates so he could ride his bike through unhindered – and took it as a personal snub and show of disrespect for his exalted panjandrum Ministerial position.

Mitchell was forced to resign from the Con-Dem coalition cabinet due the scandalous altercation, but while admitting that in his personal opinion the Met’s DPG officers are a right bunch of dildos, still maintains he did not use the words attributed to him and insists references to such slurs in the police logbook of the incident were part of a ‘work-in-progress’ conspiracy by New Labour agents provocateur to spoil his Christmas and smear the Tory Party.

In what has now burgeoned into a ‘he said / she said’ pantomime of gossip and tittle-tattle innuendo, to resolve the Catch 22 shit-flinging standoff and put the matter to rest, the Met have assigned 300 officers to an inquiry of how details of confidential police records relating to the altercation ended up being published by two national gutter press tabloids – one of which had the blatant audacity to print a satirical beginner’s guide to blasphemous Tory curses, satanic oaths, swear words and assorted profanities on Page 3 in place of the regular big tits feature.

In addition to the ‘300’ overkill factor, the Independent Police Coverups Commission has been tasked to field a parallel inquiry to investigate the claims by PC X, made to his local MP, that he independently witnessed the purported verbal confrontation at Downing Street’s gates and personally overheard Mitchell refer to the on-duty officers as ‘dog wanker plebs’ and ‘tossers’ – even though records prove he was on duty in Croydon at the time of the incident and CCTV coverage of the incident site shows only Mitchell and two DPG plods engaging in a brief heated exchange of cat calling and two fingers in the air gesticulations.

PC X, who cannot be named for legal reasons, (Constable Frank McScumm #847525) is currently suspended from duty on suspicion of misconduct in a public office (on full pay gardening leave) which involves conspiracy to falsify police logs relevant to the Downing Street incident and leaking the falsified same to the Daily Shitraker red top gutter press tabloid.

In response to finger-pointing accusations fielded by the gutter press dailies, the Metropolitan Police Federation, which represents rank-and-file officers, has soundly rejected suggestions its members are part of a perfidious plot being staged by a Masonic Brotherhood cabal of the Plod Squad’s New Labour voters to unseat Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell - and furthermore welcomed the participation of the entire national Plod Squad in the investigation which might result in evidence against PC X getting lost.

Thought for the day. Considering the historic litany of Plod Squad wrongdoing and contrivance to justify, sanitise or cover up such incidences – from the true identity and royal connections of Jack the Ripper to what twat planted military grade explosive charges under the carriages of three London Underground tube trains on 7/7 - then blamed it on Mohammed al Patsy and his three Yorkshire pudding stooge mates - with the issue of who killed Cock Robin still unresolved and crying out for justice regardless of the voluntary confession on the part of ‘A Sparrow’ - one is left to ponder on the difference between them and an organised crime syndicate.

Perhaps there isn’t any – apart from the fact the Plod Squad is better disposed to getting away with murder (sic) due being taxpayer-funded and having the entire resources of a nation state at its disposal to achieve their crooked ends.

Hmmm, Britain’s ‘consent-based’ model of policing – almost as big a joke as our ‘elected’ House of Conmans political representatives.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.