Sunday, 27 January 2013

Bo Peep’s Flock Go AWOL

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A flock of 28 stray sheep found, sans shepherd or collie dog, wandering aimlessly around the car park of a Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket chain branch outside the village of Old Scrotum in Smegmadale, were herded by moronic Plod Squad officers responding to a ‘Sheep Alert’ 999 call into the nearest private garden that sported an actual gate and fences for safe-keeping – until some farmer type turned up to report their disappearance at the station’s lost property desk.

However, Ron and Slutella McScrote, owners of the house and garden, informed a press hack from the Sheep Shaggers Gazette that the first they knew of this contrived ‘arrangement’ was when they returned from their Christmas holidays on the Costa del Dago last week and found the flock of woolybacks ravaging their garden plants and lawn.

“Me an’ Slutella woz absolutely gob-smacked when the taxi dropped us off from the airport an’ I walks up the drive an’ all these effin’ sheep come round an’ start chewin’ at me duty free bags. Talk about goin’ ballistic an’ spittin’ the proverbial dummy – pissed off wasn’t even in it.”

Mrs McScrote added “It’s not fuckin’ good enough, the effin’ plods turnin’ a flock of stray sheep inter some poor sod’s garden cos they can’t find the owner. They should have rung up the RSPCA or whatever they do fer lost sheep an’ had them come an’ round them up wiv one of them sheepdog thingys. Just look at the state of me effin’ garden – they woolly twats have scoffed all me plants and shrubs.”

“Mind you, an’ don’t say owt ter the effin’ plods, I woz of a mind ter call up the local butcher an’ have him come down an’ take care of the problem cos me an Ron’s got a whoppin’ freezer an’ the price of lamb’s fuckin’ ridiculous. I mean, even if it is mutton an’ a bit tough yer can always curry the shit an’ make a good rogan josh outa it – an’ I’ll bet that Acchmed's Indian take-away in town would be up fer a few dead sheep goin’ at half price per kilo.”

Husband Ron confided “I opened the gate an’ tried ter chase the fuckers out again a coupla times but they seemed ter like it here – even when I put on me wellies an’ started ter taunt ‘em wiv a tube of KY Jelly they all gathered round an’ seemed quite turned on with the suggestion. Same when I stuck a jar of mint sauce under their noses an’ started whisperin’ ‘lamb chops’ they took no effin’ notice. Bloody fearless – or totally brain dead – one or the other. Could have bin worse though – the plods might have shoved a herd of lost pigs in here instead.”

On Friday, a spokeswoman for the Smegmadale Plod Squad informed the media that the force were very grateful to the McScrote family for providing board and lodgings for the sheep – and their patience – and a certain Ms Bo Peep would be calling round later with a truck to collect her wayward flock of woollies.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

laugh-a-minute. good stuff n keep it up. we need the humour n a smile.