Renta-Thug Bailiffs to be Regulated

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chris Graything, the Tory Justice Secretary, yesterday informed a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that he was proposing a review of the laws governing debt collection to tackle aggressive bailiffs in England and Wales - while north of the border in bonny, devolved Nonceland, the old system of room temperature IQ gorillas kicking in people’s doors and seizing anything that isn’t nailed down will continue unabated unless First Minister Alex ‘Three Chins’ Salmond gets off his lardy arse and clamps down on the antics of the likes of the notorious Hamish ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher and his Neanderthal Collections crew. But don’t hold your breath on that one.

Under Graything’s proposed revision of legal statutes, bailiffs will be banned from entering homes after dark or where only single mothers and their children are present - or granting a week’s stay of discharging the court order in return for a quick suck n swallow blow job or knee trembler.

Further, new safeguards will prevent them from carrying pickaxe shafts or crowbars and using ‘excessive’ force against people who owe money – such as poking pensioners with sharp sticks, water boarding Grannies – or ripping the wings off their budgies and tossing pet cats onto the coal fire to intimidate them into coughing up their pension money.

Bev Titwank, director of the Twat-Watch social abuse monitor charity, opined to the media “What we’ve been petitioning to achieve for the past five years is the formation of a code of conduct where these out of control bully boy bailiffs must say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ – and most definitely ‘’excuse me’ before they tip some hapless bed-ridden pensioner on the floor and steal their bespoke memory foam mattress to offset the interest on the mega-bucks fine imposed for not paying the television licence renewal.”

“There are simply too many instances and third party witnessed reports of the Renta-Thug Security Agency’s barbarians – all with the intelligence of a small potted plant and social graces of a pack of scavenging hyenas - kicking in some hapless fucker’s front door and grabbing their telly as payment for last month’s exorbitant council tax bill.”
“Add to this the fact there’s currently no set training standards for bailiffs, with the only listed qualification required being an NVQ1 diploma in Cage Fighting – or former employment as a Welfare Officer at Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison - and while I don’t know about ‘certified bailiffs’ most of the vulgarian scumbags we’ve encountered were ‘certifiably’ insane Philistines of the first order of magnitude.”

Feral Beryl McSkanger, a sixteen-year-old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, told an interviewer from Channel 69’s ever-popular primetime ‘Debts to Die For’ programme that the fees charged by bailiffs were ‘extortionate’ – a most fitting descriptive term for the practice of ‘extortion’.

“These ham-fisted shitbags comes round here an’ behaves like utter pigs. The first time they were here last month they nicked the kid’s bikes an’ me barbeque an’ the effin’ sunbed – now I’m startin’ ter look like Morticia effin’ Adams.”
“So I though ter meself – fuck ‘em – so when they comes back again the other day I sez ‘Oh fer fuck’s sake, don’t take me BMW as well’ - an’ looks at the ragtop Beemer parked opposite – so they goes an’ starts ter clamp it – then the drug dealer bloke from next door wot owns the effin’ motor comes out an’ tears inter the pair of the twats wiv a length of iron pipe an’ me an’ the kids is pissin’ ourselves laughin’. Then when the ambulance comes we act pretty sharpish like an’ gets our telly and jacuzzi and stuff back outa their van – an’ me boy friend swings by an’ nicks their GPS an’ stereo an’ siphons all the petrol out of the tank.”

So Ms McSkanger came off lightly and with a smile of exacting retribution on her face when we consider the plight of Candida Mingerot from Smegmadale-on-Sea who fell foul of the infamous Michail Sackashit, owner of Pikey Repossessions, who snatched her 12-year old twin daughters in part payment for an overdue PayDay loan - who were blindfolded, gagged and handcuffed then tossed into the back of a white Transit van, driven down to Barnes in south-east London and put to work at a child sex slave bordello run by Granny Kasir, a disreputable madam servicing the kinky libidinous tastes of pervy cabinet ministers.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, there must be an applicable Micawberish moral to this debt / bailiffs dilemma? Penny wise – pound foolish, perhaps? Or are we all doomed due the fatally-flawed Crapitalist system that has morphed into a monstrous Debtocracy?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.