MoD Hit by Wave of Kleptomania

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a most embarrassing aside at the House of Conmans yesterday, Defence Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, the incumbent Tory MP for Runnynose, was labelled as a being a grossly incompetent tosser in his management of the MoD after New Labour’s Chief Backbiter Frank ‘Pitbull’ McSkanger took to his feet to announce for the Hansard record that he held in his hands a copy of a damning report leaked by army whistle-blowers - that a military training centre in Smegmadale has misplaced more than 8,000 pieces of equipment - including 115 bayonets - since the Libservative Coalition took office in 2010.

The list revealed that 8,312 items, including a baker’s dozen count of L109A1 HE fragmentation grenades, scores of L10 Ranger anti-personnel mines and several miles of coiled razor wire – along with 2,860 pieces of V & A crockery and mixed cutlery (knives, forks, spoons – and ‘sporks’) have gone missing from the Knobhead Hill Commando Centre – a factor that biased in-house auditors, Jackdaw & Fagin Ltd, in a kitten-shitting attempt to conceal the glaring discrepancies, have put down to a simple accounting aberration due the regular Quartermaster leaving the stock ledgers in a bit of a mess after he inadvertently climbed out of bed one morning and trod on a primed L9 bar land mine that happen to be lying around on the floor.

Laughter reverberated around the House as Labour’s McSkanger read from the report’s list of wayward items, which included 470 Arctic combat clothing and footwear kits, 781 Tog 16 duvets – along with a 20-foot shipping container filled with skis, plastic toboggans, snow shovels and ‘Happy Rudolph’ reindeer biscuits - all being dispatched to Benghazi during the illegal invasion of Libya in 2011 – and which the MoD had made a recent, albeit futile, attempt to have shipped back to Blighty when the weather turned to shite last week and the UK’s army camps were inundated with snow and no means of clearing it.

In his ‘defence’ (sic/no pun intended) Hammond, previously shadow minister for skateboard affairs, claimed the missing fragmentation grenades had probably not been primed correctly and hence failed to ‘blow up’ after being thrown during a practice bomb-tossing drill – and had doubtless now been picked up and recycled to some Third World mercenary group as practice ordnance items by pikey scrap scavengers – along with the missing 600 magazine assemblies for SA80 rifles.

Responding to cat calls from the opposition benches of “Wot about the effin’ bayonets, then?” Hammond claimed that bayonets were not regarded as weapons by the military - although conceded that if one of the Plod Squad’s officious thugs saw someone walking down the High Street with one fixed to the end of an assault rifle they would probably get arrested.

However old Dandruff’s pathetic attempt to shrug off the stock discrepancies was given short shrift by McSkanger who continued to quote from the leaked report – citing an instance that one Sergeant-Major Harry ‘Gnasher’ Nosdork, of the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, had been abducted by Oxford students during Rag Week as a bit of a mock kidnap stunt and never returned nor seen since.

“This lack of oversight is an insult to the taxpayers, and the list of missing kit gets worse the more one reads. We have body bags being pilfered from the mortuary and used by closet case necrophiliacs for some perverted purpose or the other – plus a full case of booby trap issue exploding hedgehogs earmarked for the Free Syrian Army rebels went missing from Aldershot Barracks arsenal and turned up on the shelves of Harrods toy department last Christmas.”

“This just isn’t petty theft or klepto’ scallies pocketing stuff, it comes down to a total lack of administrative nuance. Why, I ask, were four Trident missile launch carriers – complete with missiles aboard – sent off for their MOT and annual service at Mr Mohammed’s WMD repair shop – then according to MI6 turned up at a customs post on the Paki-Afghan border six weeks later being driven by a crew of Taliban truckies?”

“Then to cap this calamity we have the matter of an undetermined number of the RAF’s F-35 JCA fighter jets that can no longer be accounted for in Afghanistan and are rumoured to have been shot down while transhipping raw opium from Bellend Province to Bangkok for processing into heroin.”

“Last but by no means least, can Minister Hammond perhaps shed any light on the matter of the Astute class nuclear-powered hunter-killer submarine that went AWOL from HMNB Clyde in bonny Scotland last November - complete with 16 Lockheed Trident D5 SLBMs carrying a full complement of nuclear warheads – and has since turned up in a West African maritime scrap yard?”

Thought for the day. On a sober, sarcasm-free note, back in 2011 the MoD was accused by the National Audit Office of losing track of assets worth £6:3 billion quid - including £184 million knickers-worth of Bowman battlefield radios. The actual truth surpasses wild satire.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.