CoE Bans Cross-Dressing Bishops

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A controversial decision by the historically risk-averse Church of England that will sanction gay men in civil partnerships to become ‘bummer’ bishops has prompted a veritable avalanche of caustic criticism from both Anglican liberals and CoE traditionalists who are fundamentally opposed to sexual perverts of whatever fetish persuasion – especially so sodomites and kiddie fiddling paedo’s – even passing through the portals of God’s church in any capacity - let alone presiding over religious services.

In a bid to expand their congregational attendance statistics and get a few quid onto the offertory plates by embracing the relaxed mores of a promiscuous 21st Century age, the Church has already turned a blind eye to blokes in civil partnerships becoming ordained clergy - provided they promised to remain celibate and kept their cocks in their cassocks and out of each other’s bums.

However, the majority of the CoE congregational demographic, observing Judeo-Christian tradition, still refuse to endorse the concept having a raving poofter – or some rug-munching dyke - advising them on matters of spirituality or sermonising and pontificating on God’s moral law when they play the beast with two backs themselves alike the condemned of Gomorrah.

Conversely, the Rev Rupert McFudger, a self-outed cross-dresser and director of the Changing Positions group which campaigns for the full inclusion of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons in religious offices, is of an opinion that the church – quote: "has issued a statement - insisting on celibacy - which will be laughed at by the faithful and atheists alike. Within the New Testament’s Gospels, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, advocates deeply loving faithful committed relationships wherein people express their love sexually – which includes gay male bishops who prefer butts to sluts - ‘and’ strapon-wielding Vicar of Dibley types.”

The Rev Frank McScrote, chairman of the ‘See No Evil’ Gafcon evangelical movement, opined to media hacks that “The House of Bishops needs to wake up to the fact that the CoE and Biblical teachings are about moral purity and not accommodating sexual perverts just to appease this moronic political correctness culture that’s attempting to permeate our entire society with tolerance for drugs, prostitution, pederasty and rampant homosexuality – along with a bevy of disgusting BD/SM kinks promoted in pulp fiction paperbacks by bored housewives with a stifled mania for playing tie n tease games and having their bums spanked – who seem to thrive in an environment where greed is good and being bollocks-deep in debt an acceptable norm.”

“I mean, really, how are we supposed to accommodate transgender priests – switching from knickers to knackers - or vice-versa? And we all know that God thinks poofters are ‘abominations’ – just read Leviticus – so what in Hell’s name (sic) is He going to say about ‘bender bishops’?”

“If these buggery addicts preaching the false gospel want to become ordained ministers and wear the cloth – and propose themselves as candidates for the episcopate – and still follow this iniquitous dark path of carnal sin, then let them join the Church of Satan and preside over black mass rituals and sacrifice child virgins on a full moon in the middle of Doggers Wood for a bunch of Devil worshippers and their fellow bum-cuddling fudgers – but we don’t want them here baptising our sprogs, joining together our sons and daughters in holy wedlock – or burying our deceased in hallowed ground.”

Sapphie Godermiche, spokeswoman for the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement, was joined by Guido Faggarotti, director of public affairs for the gay rights campaigner group Piledrivers, who informed press hacks that “Celibate gay men are doubtless going to be thrilled to little mint balls by this exciting new job opportunity – albeit perplexed as to how it will be policed by Church of England authorities – unless they're mandated to undergo regular virginity checks and have their sphincter grip measured on a phallic clenchometer."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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