Plod Squad Priorities: Arse about Face

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Home Secretary Theresa Maybe’s newly-appointed Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Tom ‘Ranga’ Winsor, yesterday defended his ‘new broom’ kick-arse approach to Broken Britain’s equally ‘broken’ Plod Squad, claiming his innovative ‘Thatcherite’ scheme to bring outsiders into the force will enrich the service – a position caustically slammed by the president of the Association of Chief Police Officers, Sir Hugh Jampton who opined to one press hack from the Scallies Gazette that “What is this ginger mingin clot trying to do – introduce a ‘sheep dip’ approach to police training?”

Winsor, overcoming the stigma and lifetime handicap of being born in Dundee, against all odds was made a partner in international law firm Shite & Crapp LLP, then went on to become New Labour’s Rattle Track Rail Regulator from 1999 until 2004 and personally dispensed Damoclean justice against the erring Practical Pig Trains in 2000 following the Baconsfield 'Grunters Junction' rail disaster.

Rumoured to be a hybrid genetic cross with equal parts of DNA extracted from the cryogenically-stored bodies of Hiram Holliday and Joe 90, Winsor has come into his new position on the retirement of Sir Denis O'Flannel last October, fielding a hare-brained scheme that fast-tracking recruits into roles at inspector rank level will change the face of modern British ‘Plodding’ for the better – and not make it a bigger PCSO fuck up than it is already.

Winsor, in his inexperienced innocence (bless) is convinced that henceforth ten percent of all senior officers should be familiar with the criminal mindset and recruited from outside the force (jobcentres / shoplifters / benefit cheats / prison inmates) - and more controversial still, civilian station managers, on the merits of work experience alone, be promoted to Detective Chief Superintendent after sixteen months - once they’ve attained an NVQ1 Diploma summa cum laude pass in ‘Plod Squadding’ – plus read at least one of Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes volumes - to pick up some good ideas on sleuthing.

Well, that’s Winsor’s priorities laid out, much to the bewilderment of Sir Hugh Jampton and Met Commissioner Bernard Hulk-Hogan. Though perhaps we can pose a question concerning Mr Winsor’s priorities for the Plod Squad – specifically what is more important to our sick, pederast-infested establishment and officialdom – the protection of defenceless, vulnerable children – or an obnoxious Tory Chief Whip’s reputation?

To wit, this concerns the manning of the Met’s Operation Fairwank inquiry (about to morph into Operation Fernbridge and be headed by the Met’s Police Service's Child Abuse Investigation Command) into who exactly in the mad, menopausal Maggie Thatcher’s cabinet and Tory Monday Club was a kiddie fiddler and bumming little boys ‘borrowed’ from the Grafton Close children’s home in Richmond for the occasional Masonic full moon Satanic black mass and sodomite orgy at Mrs Carole Kasir Goebbels’ Elm Guest House on Rocks Lane (hot & cold running catamites in every room)?

Operation Fairwank has an abysmal allocation of ‘five’ plods seconded to the investigation of why the original 1982 police inquiry into the sordid goings-on at the Elm Guest House involving High Court judges, MPs, bishops, MI6 agents, at least one Russian naval attaché – plus Old Uncle Tom Cobly and all - and their moonlight fudging sessions on the adjacent Barnes Common and in Doggers Wood - was hushed up and never achieved a single arrest or prosecution.

Whereas, by critical comparison, the ‘Operation Alice in Wonderland’ Plebgate inquiry into the ‘he said / she said’ cat-calling pantomime exchange between Downing Street’s on-duty DPS plods and Tory Chief Whip Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell over where to stick his bike, has a dedicated investigative force of no less than ‘thirty’ sleuths out to put matters to rights - along with the Independent Police Coverups Commission’s own inquiry into this burgeoning Plod Squad conspiracy involving falsifying police logs, leaking reports to the gutter press and telling lots of porky pies.

So, Chief Inspector of Constabulary Tom Winsor, what the fuck is the situation with ‘priorities’ might we ask?

Thought for the day. Obviously Mr Winsor isn’t out to win any popularity contests in this new post – the first ever non-policeman to be named to the post of Chief Inspector of Constabulary for England and Wales.
In the sacred name of Tory ‘austerity’ (and unintentionally committing a personal ‘felo-de-se’) he’s just slashed £4,000 quid off the annual starting salary of a constable – following a pay review in which he calculated in excess of £1,000,000,000 ‘billion’ nicker per annum could be culled from the Plod Squad wages bill.

Oh, Winsor’s HMCIC salary, excluding perks and expenses, is a neat £195,000 a year.

Napoleon made the astute observation that an army marches on its stomach - however our 21st Century Plod Squad marches to the materialistic tune of jingling coins in their pocket.
Does the clot not comprehend the simple human nature factor that if you don’t pay ‘em enough then they’ll have no option but to turn to crime?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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