Wednesday, 30 January 2013

LTB New DWP Acronym for Disabled

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Biased Broadcasting Corporation documentary investigation into the politically incorrect antics of a dodgy PFI outfit tasked with delivering the Libservative Coalition government's £5 zillion quid Work Programme has accidentally exposed a stack of hard evidence of their delinquent staff using a most offensive LBT code to describe disabled and jobless persons - apparently a piece of derogatory terminology picked up from actual DWP personnel.

Triage - a key player in the government's fatally flawed scheme to fork out mega-bucks to private companies playing ‘musical chairs’ with the ‘long-term benefits’ sick and disabled segments of Broken Britain’s unemployed demographic – those stigmatised as the rag-arsed pariahs of our sick and corrupt society – the real victims of Crapitalist system - have been outed for rephrasing the LBT acronym to a most derogatory one of ‘Lying, Thieving Bastards’.

Hmmm, this just goes to add to the burden of evidence stacked against the UK’s not-fit-for-purpose Tory-dominated Con-Dem Coalition of political wanabees, losers and all-round dog wankers – what they and their paid minion legions of bureaucrats and jobsworths really think of the working (oops - and none-working classes) – and the utter contempt they regard anyone below their socio-political plane of existence.

Gladys McScatt, who worked for Triage, which operates in Scotland and the north of England, told the Beeb that the deprecatory LBT label was used to describe jobless and disabled clients – with the company using a practice known as 'parking' to keep disabled people on their books as they could charge a higher premium – referred to by insiders as ‘the great gimp and mong scam’.

For dubious reasons known only to the civil service department who contracted these people, Triage has been designated a key player in the Coalition's pipe dream plan to pay PFI companies to do the government’s job for them and get the unemployed off benefits and find them some kind of work in a jobless environment infested with Eastern bloc economic migrants posing as plumbers or willing to work for half the minimum wage.

There are currently two and a half million long-term sick and disabled people in the UK registered as unemployed and costing the government in excess of £13 billion nicker per annum in welfare benefits.
However the Libservative Coalition's ultra-ambitious £5 billion quid Work Programme Stasi agents from Atosspots Wealthcare have identified 68,000 disabled persons in receipt of incapacity benefit who they’ve decided, in their unqualified opinion, are capable of getting off their crippled arses and doing a day’s work for Queen and country.

Ms McScatt further revealed "These disabled money-spinner clients – the ‘ker-ching’ ones wot makes a noise like a till every time yer invoice the DWP wiv their paperwork - would be put on telephone interviews for a job wiv a Swiss bank – or sortin’ out hacked global warmin’ e-mails at East Anglia University - or the Russian Cosmodrome ter get as placement on the International Space Station – anything wot they had no effin’ chance of gettin’ an’ could go down as a job application ter keep ‘em on the Work Programme books an’ the money rollin’ in. Money fer ‘old scrotes’ it woz.”

Ron Knobblehead, 64, from Geordieland, had been unemployed and receiving incapacity benefit for almost nine years before being referred to the Work Programme through Triage last year.

Mr Knobblehead, who suffers from depression, anxiety, a variety of undiagnosed exotic neuroses and galloping paranoia - along with a chronic schizophrenia / split personality disorder - believes that he – or his alter-ego - has been ‘parked’ – claiming he’s only met his adviser on Skype a couple of times and some of the courses he was told he’d be sent on – with one to get an NVQ 1 Chartered Skip Scavvy diploma work experience placing in Djibuti, West Africa - rooting through a landfill site for six weeks – never materialised – and while Triage invoices the government for handling Knobblehead’s casework he maintains his contact with the fly-by-night company has been reduced to the occasional holiday post card or tweet from his adviser.

Bev Titwank, a 69-year old former cage fighter, unemployed since being blinded in a tag team ‘Do-or-Die tourney in Pnom Phen back in 1998, told interviewers “These stupid twats at Triage kept givin’ me the bum’s rush so I kicked off about the parkin’ bullshit an’ they come up wiv a placement as a schools crossing Lollipop Lady. Well, wot effin’ good is that ter me after havin’ me eyes gouged out. I’m gonna get me arse run down by a truck if I step out inter the road – an’ it would be like Russian roulette wiv cars an’ shit fer the poor kids.”

When told the meaning of the acronym on the Triage LTB t-shirt she’d been presented with - allegedly given to those on long-term benefits - Bev spit the proverbial dummy. "Wot a crock of shite. Personally I’m gutted an’ will be talkin’ ter one of them personal injuries lawyers wot chases ambulances about the insult wot’s caused ‘extreme distress’ wiv bein’ verbally abused by a bunch of jobsworth bureaucrats. Wot a bunch of back-stabbin’ twats, just wait til I goes round ter Triage's offices wiv Ripper, me Labrador, an‘ just ferget ter give him his rabies tablets.”

In response to the allegations, Triage spokeswoman Chlamydia Mingerot went into total denial / defensive mode and informed press hacks that "This rumoured LTB is a phraseology neither used or accepted by Triage – and our delivery structure of the Work Programme does not allow for any such thing as 'parking' disabled clients – so don’t listen to anything these lying, thieving bastards tell you.”

Whoops – what a give-away – parking – obviously the terminology does exist.

Thought for the day. Okay, satire over – the Department for Work and Pensions actually has 348 organisations listed on its books, registered as so-called Third Party providers – all tasked with assisting the long term sick and disabled to find work – and being paid mega-bucks out of taxpayer’s funds. Perhaps this is why there are still two and a half million of them still unemployed.
So if we have 348 PFI organisations doing the job of the DWP, what fucking good is the ministry – or the useless twat Ian Duncan Smith, the incumbent Tory MP for Chigley and Camberwick Green, that’s supposed to be running the outfit?

Cutbacks and austerity besides – fuck the 348 semi-autonomous and overpaid PFI’s off and kick Duncan Smith’s arse into gear.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yep that's all they have for us plebs - contempt. Much the same opinion as we hold of them.