BA Slammed for Religious Discrimination

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the European Court of Human Rights & Wrongs, a British Scareways stewardess, the 96-year old Ms Candida Bonkers, suffered religious discrimination in the workplace regarding her fundamentalist Pancake Tuesday Adventist Christian beliefs – specifically instances where she was denied the right to wear a 'crown of thorns’ and flagellate her back with a rawhide lash during long haul flights.

The ECHRW decision is a landmark ruling for other European-based Christian groups and employees who have accused British Scareways of fielding a policy of gross hypocrisy due their flawed double standard ‘rules for one / rules for another' policy as Sikh and Muslim employees are permitted to wear their respective religious garments and fetishes while working - turbans and Semtex suicide vests - since these are impractical to cover up.

However, prior to the European Court’s decision, British Scareways, in their supreme arrogance, while admitting that the wearing of religious garments is a requirement with some faiths, in the case of Ms Bonkers they determined that having six inch nails driven through the palms of her hands and exchanging her stewardess uniform for sackcloth and ashes were not necessarily integral parts of the Christian tradition.

Ms Bonkers was then downgraded from her in-flight duties to the role of ‘baggage handler’ and here again proved obstinate in her performance by refusing to work on Christmas Day and Easter Sunday – or on Hangover Monday, Shrove Tuesday, Sheffield Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday or Bad Saturday – then caused a further brouhaha by telling a gay work colleague he could still be redeemed of his ‘sodomite sins’ in the eyes of God and avoid endless years in Purgatory, getting shafted up the bum by demons with twelve inch willies, if he cut his own cock and balls off then crawled naked around the Vatican’s St Peter’s Square a dozen-dozen times.

Ron Nauseous-Crudd, director of the National Secular Society, in an attempt to get their unsung name mentioned in the media regardless of how stupid the comments, declared that in his unqualified opinion, if Ms Bonkers was so keen on evangelising in the workplace and adhering to fundamentalist Christian practices she should try getting crucified – or trotting off down to the local zoo and climbing into the lion’s den to really get a feel for a zealot’s self-sacrifice and martyrdom.
“Of course, this woman’s always got the effin’ option of findin’ a job wot better matches her needs – like bein’ a self-harm instructor at the Masochists Club – cos that’s the concept of true religious freedom."

Following the announcement of the ECHRW ruling, Archbishop of York Dr Wormhole Jaffacake released a statement in which he informed the media "British Scareways widely accepted public image as a bunch of atheist dog wankers has once again been confirmed. Under the statutes of the 2010 Equality Act Christians and those of other faiths should be free to adorn themselves with the symbols of their own religion without discrimination – and if Candida Bonkers wished to drag a 20 foot long 4 x 4 timber cross around with her as a sign of her devotions, then suitable space should be provided in the workplace or car park by a caring employer.”

Shabby Acrobati, director of human rights and wrongs group Liberty, said the judgment was “A right kick in the bollocks for British Scareways and an excellent result for equal treatment, religious freedom and our eccentric Anglo-Saxon embrace of nonsense logic.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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