Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Parliament Publishes Dissolution Honours

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Dissolution Honours are announced at the end of every Parliament and include working peers nominated to represent each of the main parties, as well as a special list which allows outgoing prime ministers to settle the accounts with former colleagues, back-watchers, major financial donors, blackmailers and generalised crony shitbags.

Defeated Labour PM Gordon ‘No Mates’ Brown submitted 56 recommendations including former Labour ministers John ‘Gorbals’ Reid, the porcine John Prescott and Quentin Davies - the turncoat Tory MP who defected to Labour for thirty pieces of silver and now becomes Baron Judas of Scumm.

Mr Prescott, who stepped down as the MP for Upper Gluttony after 37 years of scoffing meat pies, chips and mushy peas in the House of Conmans’ canteen, once declared he would not follow in the footsteps of other former Labour toadies who had been bestowed with titles such as Neil Pillock and Roy Twattersley – informing the gutter press at that time "I don't want to be a member of the House of Lords as their menu’s all posh shit that gives me indigestion.”
However, Prescott was persuaded to accept the title of Lord Pork of Gluttony after learning he was still entitled to daily access to the lower house’s dining facilities – and free meat pies.

Still on the Labour ‘Shameless’ honours list Elliot Morley, the disgraced MP for Cunthorpe, will become Lord Thief of the Second Mortgage, with fellow Labour MP scally Jim Devine to be known as Baron False Invoice.

Conservatives nominees include ex-party leader Michael Howard who becomes Count Drac of the Cemeteries, with Peter Sniggers, the shamed ex-Tory MP for Tosspots and of the infamous ‘duck island’ expenses claim – becoming Lord Quackers of the Pond.

New Librarian Dummercat peers include Lemsip Optrex, the former MP for Monty Pythonshire in Welsh Wales, who has been bestowed with the life peerage title of Baron Cheeky Girl.

Meanwhile, certain honours have raised the ire of critics as per that of former Northern Ireland first minister and raving anti-Papist, Ian Paisley being awarded the honour of Lord Bigot of Orange. So too with ex-police chief Sir Ian Blair, whose ennoblement has been challenged by the Amalgamated Electricians Union, is to become a Lord’s crossbencher bearing the title of Baron Shoot First of the Brazil Nuts.

Armitage Shanks, the Labour MP for Kent’s Doggers Wood constituency who served as the Minister for Knitting and Woollens in Tony Bliar’s cabinet, during which sojourn he became close friends with a flock of sheep, has had an honours nomination rejected following his recent arrest and conviction of grooming underage sheep on the Facebook social networking site and being caught ‘in flagrante delicto’ engaged in a perverted act of penetrative sex with a ewe at Shepherds Bush while wearing knee-length Wellington boots, clad in panty hose and using mint jelly as a penile lubricant.

Mr Shanks was ordered by the court to have his name entered onto the sex offender’s register for five years and issued with a restraining order barring him from going within 100 meters of anything woolly.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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