Sunday, 27 June 2010

Gorgonzilla to Welcome Troops Home

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Gorgonzilla Parker-Bowles, aka the ‘Dirty Deviant’ Duchess of Stonewall and partner to HRH Charles, Prince of Wales, is to greet 650 UK troops returning from ‘Pipeline and Opium Crop’ guard duties in Afghanistan in what the Ministry of Defence claims will be the biggest-ever military homecoming event since Dunkirk.

The soldiers of 11th Shithouse Brigade will march through the city of Crudchester to the cacophonous racket of the massed steel bands of the 14th Light Fingered Pikey Battalion and the 27th Notting Hill Dreadlock Rifles, accompanied by the stringed strains of the balalaika-plucking minstrels from the 28th Albanian Swan-Roasters Unit.

Sixty-four soldiers from the brigade were killed in action during its six-week tour of duty from friendly fire by US Predator drones – with a further fourteen succumbing to the ravages of galloping diarrhoea – aka the ‘Kabul Kacks’.
Luckily the combined force never encountered the Taliban – seen by many strategic observers to represent the enemy in this nine year conflict to conquer their country and enforce the loathed precepts of Western democracy and Christian morality – such as equality for women - whether they like it or not.

The brigade, based in Smegmashire, is made up of 12 UK-wide regiments and was formed especially for the Afghanistan Bellend Province deployment from the stragglers and survivors of the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment; the 18th & 26th Body Bag Battalions; the Queen’s Own Asbo Rifles; the 23rd Scumdale Scally Rangers and the 15th Yobsters Hopscotch Mine Detector Corps.

The 11th Shithouse Brigade will disband following the homecoming event and with all members now having served their Community Service Orders, will be free to sign on at their local Jobcentres the following Monday morning and return to the mundane distractions of civilian life.

Gorgonzilla will be presenting ‘Well Done’ combat badges to the returning troopers plus doling out a duty-free pack each of her husband’s Duchy Originals full strength ‘Coffin Nails’ cigarettes (her personal preference brand) – along with a limited edition jar of Dead Tomcat Marmalade.
Following this, a service of thanksgiving and remembrance will then be held at the local Yob and Pitbull Arms pub – with a dozen kegs of Old Headbanger lager laid on at the Minister of Defence’s expense.

Scandalous rumours that the lecherous Gorgonzilla might be tempted to give each trooper a ‘thank you’ kiss when she bestows their ‘Well Done’ decorations met with a cocked eye of surprise from Ministry of Defence spokeswoman Major Sapphie Dildodo “Well, I suppose the chaps won’t mind or be offended as long as she keeps that forked tongue in her mouth.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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