Monday, 7 June 2010

Why Shrek Turned Green

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

It might come as a shock to children world-wide but Shrek’s skin colour being bright green has nothing to do with eating healthy five-per-day portions of verdant juicy vegetables and fruits or low carbon footprints but the fact he’s been pigging out at McD’s Chew n Spew restaurants and drinking aspartame-laced soda pop out of glasses contaminated with toxic ‘cadmium’.

In response to this looming public relations and personal injury insurance claim disaster the dodgy Barf Burger fast food chain has recalled 12 million drinking glasses promoting the DreamWanks Animation franchise’s new movie – “Gay Shrek Meets the Hulk” - due the painted designs on them containing the toxic metals cadmium and depleted uranium.

The 16 ounce glasses were being sold for £1:50 each and available in four designs depicting the animated film's main characters – with the glasses manufactured and hand painted in the festering sweat shop slums of Abidjan, the main port of the poverty-stricken Ivory Coast in the perennial basket case that constitutes West Africa

Apparently the Granny Chuckabutty’s Fine Glassware factory sourced the cadmium-laced enamel paints from a local landfill site recently re-stocked for the summer season by the infamous international fly tippers cum convicted environmental vandals Trafigura AG of Lucerne, Switzerland - with six thousand tons of assorted toxic wastes from around Europe - including sulphur mercaptans and hydrogen sulphide - and several container loads of depleted uranium-contaminated scrap tanks and armoured personnel carriers from Iraq.

The factory manager, Mr Rastus Chuckabutty (NVQ1 Scavenging) told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette “Hey de paint maybe toxic some but what other kid on de street am havin’ one of dem glasses wid de big green Shrek ogre on it - and dat sexy-assed Princess Fellattia and de cute Piss in ya Boots cat or de Donkey Kong – an all of dem what do glow in de dark, eh?”

McD's website states it will post online instructions this coming week regarding refunds for the glasses upon presentation of the original receipt – plus which of their Liberian-based corporate attorneys and insurance underwriters to contact if any of the claimant’s children have experienced severe side effects from drinking out of a Shrek souvenier glass – such as damage to the liver, kidneys, lungs, nervous system or brain.

However, instances of hair loss, temporary blindness, bleeding from the ears or gums, and fingernails dropping out are not covered under the terms of the Liberian Legal Code governing corporate criminal liability and indemnity factors.

Regardless of PR spin this is a second strike against the corporation in as many months.
The gospel according to McD’s Keflavic-based sales survey chief Thor Burgersbunn, states that 2010 is not proving to be the best year for the company so far, with them closing down their three franchises in Iceland due factors bearing on the country’s financial crisis making it impossible for the penniless peasants to afford a ‘Happy Meal’ never mind going for the ‘Supersize Me’ option – with the situation further aggravated by the volcanic ash from the erupting Mount Whatafuckup contaminating the mayonnaise storage ponds.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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