Monday, 28 June 2010

Ersatz ‘Halal’ Bacon Tastes like Turkey

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to correspondent’s reports in this week’s editions of the Pork Butcher’s Journal and the Trough Grunter’s Review confirm without any further doubts that the world has gone absolutely totally bonkers, stark raving mad.
The articles in question focus on the fact that the UK’s burgeoning Muslim population are now demanding that our traditional ‘English’ bacon be made from something else apart from the fleshy backs and flanks of dead pigs.

To achieve this end a Tamworth farmer, Mohammed bin Jackson, told one reporter from the Gammon Guzzlers Gazette that he was only reacting to demand from traders in trying to give Muslims a taste of delicious smoked pork by producing bacon-style rashers from halal-slaughtered turkeys.

Mr bin Jackson’s attempts to imitate the meat, which Muslims cannot eat because of their religion, has prompted the radical Islamic scholar Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer to voice concerns that it could lead to Muslims eating real bacon from nasty haram (forbidden) piggy wiggys.

However, Farmer bin Jackson elaborated “Wot I’m trying ter achieve wiv me genetically-modified breedin’ programme is a mutant porker crossed wiv a turkey but the only problem so far is that the effin’ rashers don’t smell like bacon – even though the hybrids have got four trotters, are covered in feathers an’ grunt or gobble as the mood takes ‘em.”
“It woz okay last year when we crossed one of our pigs wiv an Indian elephant ter boost our luncheon meat production an’ we came up wiv the ‘Spammoth’. It’s a right ugly lookin’ twat of a thing but yer gets 6,000 tins of Spam off one carcass – not includin’ its trunk.”

“It’s all these industrial estate butty vans wot’s caused this problem wiv the Muslim lads goin’ out fer a sarnie at brew time and all yer infidel heathen Brits scoffin’ bacon an’ sausage barms an’ the smell really turns ‘em on an’ they have ter get their tucker at the halal van down the road – effin’ fried goat an’ egg in a pitta bread wrap.”

Conversely and in total opposition to Mohammed bin Jackson’s turkey-hog hybrid products, Ms Fellattia van der Gamm of the anti-GM ‘Frankenfoods’ group “Leave Nature the Fuck Alone’ – told one reporter from the Mutant Grub Review that “What the hell are we going to see next – odourless fish products? Kipper-less kippers? We are already plagued with non-dairy milk and cheeses – and low-cholesterol yolkless eggs - all of which taste like shit.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, several sounders of pigs were temporarily offended.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest ‘porkies’ and misaligned references. This article was written in a swine-infested area and may contain traces of smoked hog.

Thought for the day: So, that’s what Muslims think of our pigs. Has anybody ever stopped to contemplate what our pigs think of Muslims?

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