In today’s Enhanced Bullshit edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
TV shopping guru Fellattia Portaloo has blamed the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains for killing Britain's High Street traders, off licences and corner shops.
The 96-year old star, known for shows like Channel 69’s ‘Menopausal 'Madness'; 'Fellattia - Queen Of Snobs’; ‘Dogwanker’s Parade’ and then ever-popular award-winning ‘Shit Through a Goose’, claims she fears the unstoppable march of the voracious and mercenary self-service convenience stores.
In her weekly column for the Daily Shitraker Ms Portaloo declared it was her unqualified and bigoted opinion that entire communities were being sacrificed for convenience by the incumbent British population of lard-arsed couch spuds who simply couldn’t be bothered to traipse around a dozen or more shops in the town to buy the ingredients for that night’s dinner – preferring the ease of sauntering up and down the aisles of a Pestco Extra every Saturday and filling up their freezer for the week.
Fellattia reminds all of us of the baby boomer age and above that she, and we alike, grew up knowing every shopkeeper in the village, describing them as the cornerstones of family life – owned and manned by generations of the same families of inbred nose-picking, slack-jawed mutants.
“Really, these little stores were the best sources of hot gossip for the entire neighbourhood. Into the butcher’s shop and find out who’d been shagging who. Then into the baker’s for one of those tooth-snapping crusty Hovis loaves that Granny used to dunk in her Earl Grey before sucking it to death – and hear all about Mrs Whatshername at number 23 being up the duff again when her hubby’s away at sea – and how everyone reckons the baby might be a golly.”
“There were always a group of neighbours chatting on the corner too, discussing how ‘her’ at number 45 Slutts Terrace had the plods round again as she’d paid the rent two weeks on the trot and they wanted to know where she’d got the money from.”
“We had Mr Chop the Butcher, Mr Crust the Baker, Mr Glimmer the Candlestick Maker – and Mr Patel at the corner Chippy that sold curry sauce.”
“Of course in those days when Dad worked down the pit and got his wages on a Friday night after he finished his shift – with just enough money to see us through the weekend – you’d always have a slate going at your local corner shop and pay it off every Saturday.”
“Now just imagine walking up to the checkout counter in Pestco’s with a trolley full of shopping and asking the Albanian pikey cashier – the one in the burkah that always stinks of garlic - to put the shopping on the slate ‘til next payday.”
“Then you have all these loyalty card vouchers and ‘own bag’ greenie points. It’s the same at every one of them – Pestco, Mamon & Snobfords, Pukesbury’s and even the other place that sells their stuff in £1 portions – Shiteland.”
“In the old days you had to be loyal to the one greengrocer or baker or butcher or walk 20 miles across the moors to the next village for half a pound of gristly scrag end.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
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