Windfarms to get ‘No Blow’ Subsidy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to be the most stupid subsidy scheme to be introduced since their last stupid subsidy scheme, the Libservative government’s Department for Wasting Time & Money are set to pay Britain's biggest wind farm corporations not to produce electricity – even when the wind’s howling in from the North Atlantic at a Force Six on the Beaufort scale.

Energy firms will receive zillions of pounds a day per wind farm to turn off their turbines due the idiotic fact the National Grid cannot use the power they are producing – preferring the bizarre logic of shutting down the renewable green energy solar power systems than their non-sustainable fossil fuel guzzling fuel oil and coal fired power stations.

In an attempt to justify their abberant dialectic the National Grid states fears that on breezy nights wind farms could actually cause a surge in the electricity supply when the power demand from recession-hit businesses and poverty-stricken households is close to zilch.

While it is prohibitively expensive and involves what engineers term as “too much fucking about” with ‘inverters’, ‘bridge rectifiers’ and mega-banks of wet cell batteries, the excess electricity is problematic to store, so one solution – known as the 'balancing mechanism' – is to switch off or reduce the power supplied.
The system is already used to reduce supply from nasty pro-pollution coal-fired power stations when there is low demand.

However, shutting down wind farms is likely to cost the National Grid, and ultimately consumers, far higher premiums as when wind turbines are turned off the operators are deprived not only of earned revenue for the electricity they would have generated but also their lucrative carbon credit cap n trade 'green' subsidies for that electricity.

Under the new scheme the first successful test shut down of wind farms took place three weeks ago when Porridge Wog Paedo Power in Aberdeen’s Grampian area received £13,000 quid per unit for closing down two turbine facilities for a single hour on the 30th May at seven in the morning as they were disturbing Mr Donald Trump’s pre-breakfast beach jogging session around his new Trumpton Pederasts International Golf Course.

Mr Hector McTwat, the CEO for Porridge Wog Paedo Power, told a reporter from the Scam-Busters Gazette “Hey, this is an incredible scheme – we shut our main Ferryhill and Pederast Point wind turbine plants down for a single hour while the Trump goes fer a wee run along the sands and raked in £26,000 quid – whereas we only earn £10,000 per hour for each plant when they’re whirling flat out like a lizard drinking. What a money-spinning wheeze – God bless these Libservative Dummercat blokes running Parliament.”

Vince Scrunt, a self-styled 'Zero Carbonista' energy icon, made his money – and lots and lots of it – out of similar subsidies from his innovative wind farm empire – SCAMTRICITY - that stretches from Scumerset to Scotland.
These subsidies fall under the Renewable Obligation Certificate (ROC) system which was implemented in 2001 by Tony Bliar’s Labour government to encourage energy companies and individuals to invest in renewable energy.

Not everybody is impressed by Mr Scrunt’s financial acumen, however. Ms Fellattia Titwank, spokeswoman for the Renewable Energy Foundation, told one journalist from the Hot Fusion Gazette that “We at the REF have long argued that the ROC system has rewarded the wind turbine industry with an income disproportionate to the quality and usefulness of the electrical power they don’t produce.”

“Mr Scrunt's 14 wind farms registered under his Scamtricity corporate logo have received more than £63 million in subsidies since the scheme was introduced by the asinine Labour government in 2001 – in exchange for which they’ve generated zero electricity in accordance with the statutes of the Renewable Obligation Certificate system.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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