Friday, 18 June 2010

Somali’s Manky Mullahs Ban World Cup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Okay folks, just step right out of the Time Machine and back into the Dark Ages – the year 1431 to be precise – and welcome to Somalia under the ‘fun n games’ statutes of fundamental Sharia law – well, the al-Shabab and Hizbul-Islam draconian versions of it.

The various hard line Islamic militias now jockeying for power via the route of murderous Brinksmanship shoot-outs in the African basket case shithole known as Somalia (Yep, sun, sand and pirates – that’s the one) have threatened football fans they will be publicly flogged - or worse - if they are caught watching any of the World Cup matches on TV – with gangs of fanatical Shabaab religious police patrolling the areas they control looking for people viewing the games on anything that resembles a diabolical telly screen.

While dedicated soccer fans are watching matches in secret - or in one of the very few areas of the cesspit desert state actually controlled by the moderately-Islamic government forces - the Shabaab religious police killed a dozen people as they attacked a house where a group of aficionados were watching the live broadcast of one of the Group C games last Saturday afternoon.

Acting on a tip-off from Mohammed al Snitch, a local informer, a gang of Shabaab – comprised of a bunch of killjoy martinets armed with the ever-ubiquitous AK47 assault rifles – all bushy beards and turbans – and as much fun as chemotherapy – stormed the house and shot everyone and their dog who was watching the match between Three Lions England and the Great Satan – both the sworn enemies of Islam.

The militant group Hizbul-Islam had earlier arrested ten fans at a house north-east of the capital Mogadishu wherethey were watching the game between Argentina and Nigeria. Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, the militia’s spokesman, informed a reporter from the Despots Gazette “The people of Somalia should respect our ban on the World Cup.”
“We are warning all the youth of Somalia not to dare watch these World Cup matches. It is a waste of money and time and they will not benefit anything or get any experience by watching mad men jumping up and down. They would be better served by attending to their prayers to Allah five times a day and banging their foreheads on the ground like obedient Muslims.”

The asinine ban - not only of soccer matches but all TV programmes – including the actual one-eyed monster box itself - dates back to a law that was introduced by the dystopian Islamic Courts Union which took control of Somalia for several months in 2006.

It bans Somalis from all forms of entertainment considered un-Islamic under the courts' strict interpretation of Sharia law – such as video games or watching sports or anything deemed as ‘enjoying oneself’ – with a definite emphasis on the South Park series since they allegedly broadcast a cartoon character depiction of the prophet Muhammad lurking around the South Park Elementary School, eyeing up Mr. Garrison's fourth grade class and intent on a spot of kiddie fiddling and sodomy with the hapless Kenny McCormick.

Though while these self-appointed guardians of religious observance and human virtue spout their inherent hypocrisies – the al-Shabab and Hizbul-Islam militants with their Jaysh al-Hisbah (Army of Morality) - we barbarians in the decadent lapsed Christian West cannot avoid cocking a wry smile at their old Arabic proverb: “For heirs - a girl; for pleasure - a boy; for paradise - a goat.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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