Quango Promoting Sex Ed’ for 5-Year Olds

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to be their most morally-questionable and asinine scheme to date, the Government’s controversial health watchdog NICE - the National Institute for Clinical Eccentricity – whose original intended role was to ration NHS drugs – is to write to every primary school instructing them to commence sex education classes when pupils are five years old.

This promiscuity-promoting agenda being pushed by the not very NICE quango is rumoured to be the brainchild of the Common Purpose social engineering group and assumes to tell teachers that children ought not be taught to say no to sex – but should learn how to avoid ‘unwanted’ pregnancies, catching doses of the clap, the dreaded pox, and galloping twatrot – plus discover the value and joys of ‘mutually rewarding erotic sexual relationships’ – whether homo or hetero-sexual.

Yep, you read it correctly the first time: “the value of ‘mutually rewarding erotic sexual relationships” – that’s it – not part of the parody. Just what a bunch of five-year old kids need.
So, what kind of hackneyed cliches are going to be revived behind the bike sheds or under the hedges of the playing fields, uttered from the mouths of veritable babes? “Did the Earth move for you too?” “Will you still respect me after playtime?” “I’ll give you half me dinner money for a quick blow job.”

Oh yes, just imagine a five-year old Simon coming out of school with a long face and having to self-out by declaring “Mum, I’ve just discovered I’m a raving poofter who prefers the smell of shit to the taste of pussy and just love a cock up me bum.”
Likewise Peggy Sue proclaiming for all to hear “I’ve got a crush on Sapphie Dildodo in Class 2 and we don’t care if you do call us rug-munching lezbo dykes.”

Sex education for five-year olds indeed. No effing wonder we have so many adolescent and teenage slappers up the tub. What the fuck happened to gooseberry bushes, our old friend the stork, and the birds n the bees?
Next we’re going to have parents complaining their 6-year old daughter wants a boob job for Christmas – plus her own jolly jackrabbit vibrator with a big-ears clitty tickler.
Little boys borrowing the Dad’s vacuum pump penis enlarger and pilfering his Viagra stash. Kids on the scam in Boots Chemists – shoplifting condoms and KY jelly anal lubricant.

While the 740-page document – which also deals with how to perform an ‘at home’ abortion with a pair of barbequeue tongs and a kitchen grater - was produced on NICE’s own initiative by claiming that public health is part of its core remit and that cutting teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease might just save the NHS money, it has obviously overlooked the stark, staring facts concerning human curiosity and its propensity for ‘experimentation’ when these kids get into private – or group - ‘comparative anatomy’ sessions behind locked doors - or the lofty isolation of their community tree house.

So, what’s next on the ‘sex education’ agenda? The ‘mutually rewarding erotic sexual experiences’ that can be derived from fetishism, group sex, bondage, voyeurism, dogging or BD/SM games?
Whatever, the mind actually boggles at the possible permutations with sex education for pre-pubescent school pupils who can't yet grow hair they can sit on.

Just guess what that little nymphomaniac bitch Jezebel did at school today? “Mummy. Mummy, I got a gold star in the sex education class today cos I was the only one able to slip a condom on Johnnie’s cock without ripping it an’ all the other stupid slappers in the class – an’ that little gayboy faggot Simon couldn’t – cos Johhnie’s cock was sooo flaccid an’ Mrs Titwank sez he’s like her husband and needs a dose of Viagra to get ‘it’ up.”

One factor that emerges from NICE’s promotion of the scheme - guess who’s pushing this immoral and insidious agenda? Why none other than Mr Tariq Ahmed – the Project Director of Brent Education Action Zone – in whose country of origin arranged marriages are commonplace –between 6-year olds. Hmmm, obviously a bit of a cultural clash here, perhaps.

Hey, but let’s not forget Soctland’s Grampian area – especially so Aberdeen where the Ferryhill Kiddie Fiddlers Masonic Lodge started teaching sex education to disabled and special needs school children twenty-plus years ago – including violent rape scenes involving three-hole sex (vaginal, anal and fellatio through irrumatio) – and not only lessons off the teachers themselves but an entire community effort by the ranking establishment of local worthies –from teachers to social care workers, doctors, nurses, socilitors, councillors, the dodgy plods constabulary and even the Sherrif himself.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.