Can we Trust the Plods with Real Guns?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Applying 20/20 Hindsight to focus on the aftermath of the recent mass murder shooting spree when a Cumbria-based taxi driver went gaga and turned into a raving paranoid psychopath after overdosing on high fibre muesli and Senna laxative tablets, the Home Office is now contemplating arming the UK’s entire Plod Squads – with the PCSO and CEO morons from the Renta-Thug agencies being issued with live round firearms also.

Apparently the taxi-driving pistolero Derrick Bird pointed a gun at three police officers during the murderous rampage across Cumbria – from Seascale to Shitehaven to Cock-in-Mouth - which left twelve people dead and a further eleven wounded before the ultra-paranoid psychotic was spooked by his own shadow and shot himself.

The county's Deputy Chief Constable Norman Fuctifino informed a reporter from the Going Postal Gazette that the unarmed officers were forced to duck behind their van whereas if they had been armed to the teeth like a US Swat Squad they could have opened fire and probably snuffed a mixed bunch of passers-by in the process of blitzkrieging Bird’s taxi cab.

Conversely, following the Stockton Tube Station fuck up in July 2005 when what were claimed to be ‘highly trained’ plods from the Met’s CO19 Armed Clots Unit shot a South American electrician in the head a dozen times due the fact he looked slightly ‘foreign’ and might well have been a Muslim terrorist disguised as a Brazilian Catholic, officers are now mandated to undergo special training to be able to recognise - and also differentiate between – Blacks, Chinese, Indians, Eskimos – and especially Brazilians and Mid-Eastern racial types – plus spot the difference between an electrician and a bomb-toting terrorist exhibiting definite self-harm tendencies - before being given authorisation to go anywhere near a loaded firearm.

This too might be further applied to recognising a fellow police officer – as instanced in Manchester in July 2008 during a botched live fire training exercise when one plod shot and killed another after getting carried away with their ‘cops n robbers’ shootout game and forgot his singular role was to shoot the make-believe getaway vehicle’s tyres.

Anti-armed police campaigner Ghengis McTwatt, the spokesman for the ‘No-Guns Alliance’ told a reporter from the Bullseye Weekly “Fer Christ’s sake let’s not arm any more of the trigger-happy gung-ho tossers.”

“If an armed response unit had received a call over the Cumbria incident they’d only have gone round shooting anyone driving a taxi, or who looked like a taxi driver (lard-arsed slobs) and probably snuffed every electrician within a fifty mile radius.”
“Seriously, myself I wouldn’t let the cloth-eared twats loose with spud guns or a water pistol cos they’d manage to fuck something up.”

According to Fellattia Titwank at the Home Office, the Armed Response Vehicle units carry Tasers, automatic pistols, assault rifles, pump action shotguns and tactical nuclear weapons - and patrol around-the-clock 24/7 in marked cars – but unfortunately not in Cumbria on Wednesdays due half-day closing.
Ms Titwank explained that the ARV unit’s duty is to think on their feet and deal with spontaneous incidents – such as taxi drivers thinking they’re Travis Bickle vigilante types then going squirly and introducing their own versions of population control.

Do you live in the area? What are your opinions of Cumbria’s taxi service? Did radioactive contamination from the Sellafield nuclear plant send Derrick Bird bonkers? Should tourists be advised to wear body armour when visiting the Lake District?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.