Tuesday, 22 June 2010

‘Jones the Bomb’ Blows up School

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A teacher in Welsh Wales who planted a bomb in the school where he worked, blasting it to smithereens, has received a police caution and a 30 hour Community Service Order from the court after he explained that it all started out as a joke.

Apparently there had been a bomb hoax call to the police the previous week from someone – thought to be a Year 6 male pupil - claiming to be Mohammed bin Hughes and a member of an ultra-radical Llandudno-based Jihadist group calling themselves the Islamic Front for the Liberation of Betws-y-Coed.

The evening after the hoax call, following which the school had been evacuated and searched by police, the teaching staff were downing a few pints of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper at their local Scallies Arms and inadvertently discussed what a good thing it would have been if the school was blown up by terrorists as it presented a dilapidated ruin that was scheduled to be demolished and a new one built in its place over three years previously by the disingenuous Labour government of the day.

This apparently gave Chemistry teacher Owen Fawkes-Jones the idea to build a real bomb and plant it in the school cellars - next to the rat-infested boiler room.
The explosive device, comprised of a second-hand Plutonium 239 nuclear core bought from a Ukraine-based home appliances dealer on E-Bay, was detonated in the early hours of the morning – levelling the entire structure with the only loss of life being the school’s rodent population.

Post-explosion, the next morning Mr Fawkes-Jones muffled his voice and called the local Anarchists Gazette, assuming the fictitious persona of a certain Taffy bin Laden – the spokesman for the Islamic Front for the Liberation of Betws-y-Coed – and claimed responsibility for the bombing and destruction of the Ysgolly Cruddy Asbo Central High School – stating it was in protest against decadent Western democratic freedoms, the lewd habits of their wanton womenfolk - and the Welsh National Assembly’s 2007 (Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru 2007) Wooly Animals Act’s scandalous Amendment LXIX (69) legalising consensual sex with sheep.

Unfortunately Fawkes-Jones used his mother’s house phone to place the call, which was then traced back to him by the Ysgolly Cruddy Police’s Anti-Terrorist Unit. When confronted with the facts he confessed his involvement in the plot, stating for the record it was carried out in a community sense spirit.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, the post-op’ transgender headmistress of the Ysgolly Cruddy Asbo Central High, had earlier informed the court that the prank was stupid but Mr Fawkes-Jones was a hard-working and conscientious teacher who was highly popular with both staff and pupils, and only wanted to achieve what was best for the community – by blowing the school up so they could get their long-promised and overdue new one built by Plaid Cymru at last.

Regardless of the court’s leniency towards Mr Fawkes-Jones, the General Teaching Council for Wales is considering if he should face further official disciplinary measures for using a tactical nuclear explosive device to demolish the school without first obtaining IAEA and too local HSE approval - and failing to submit a full risk assessment compliance audit form in advance of his anarchist actions.

The court further ordered Fawkes-Jones to make an official apology to the Islamic Front for the Liberation of Betws-y-Coed for besmearing their good name in a false flag terrorist attack that bore all the classical markings of an Israeli Mossad hi-fivers operation.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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