New Crapple iPhone 4 Released

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

More than a billion people were queuing up outside Crapple's flagship London store yesterday for the launch of their all-new iPhone 4, causing massive traffic jams from Regent Street as far back as Wimbledon - with several million yuppie-types sleeping rough overnight in Hyde Park only to end up with tickets to the centre court tennis tournament as they joined the wrong queue.

The phone went on sale at 0700 hours on the 24th June and is smaller and lighter than the old 3GS overheating self-destruct version iPhone.
Crapple CEO Steve Blobbs told one reporter from the Spendthrifts Gazette that the stainless steel body of the handset will act as an antenna and give off one hell of an electric shock if used in the rain – which is apparently now highly recommended by cardio surgeons – as long as the user doesn’t have a pacemaker fitted.

Just to impress the fact that the world has gone totally bonkers, several thousand people started queuing outside the store on Regent Street 24 hours before the phone actually went on sale.

Wayne, a Canadian who works in Dubai for Morons-R-Us, took a seven hour flight to London especially for the launch – then spent the night sleeping on the pavement outside Crapple’s Regent Street branch.
He told a reporter from the Headbangers Weekly that he had become a regular at Crapple events and launches.
"I like meeting other nutters at gigs like this – they’re always full of eccentrics and squirly techie types with more money than sense. Believe me, this new iPhone 4 is orgasmic – better than sex in fact – especially if you’re a die hard wanker who can’t pull the birds - like me.”

In the sales brochures pushing the new unit Crapple claims to have made a number of innovative changes to their iPhone 4 – such as curing them of the old 3 GS handset’s self-destruct tendency which left hundreds with an ear and a couple of fingers missing – plus an unfinished conversation.

Crapple states its plasma screen display and mega-sized battery – which is carried separately in a backpack - gives the phone 40% more talk time - with owners able to browse an iOS 4 / 3G network for over an hour before recharging.
The built-in camera - which came in for criticism for its poor photo quality by cretins who didn’t realise that actual digital still and web cameras were available separately - has also been improved.

Too, it was idiots of a similar ilk that earlier this year condemned the Canon PowerShot SX210 IS camera for having such poor coverage and texting ability on its integral mobile phone component feature.

Did you buy an iPhone 4 or waste your money in like fashion by flying to South Africa to watch the Three Lions team play like a bunch of spastics? What are your impressions so far – should Rooney have an iPhone 4 rammed up his back passage? Do you think Fabio Capello has an iPhone 4? Why does the England team have an Italian manager? Whatever happened to Sven Gore-Tex Eriksson – did his iPhone 3 blow up? Would Alexander Graham Bell queue up to buy an iPhone 4 – or stick with his two cocoa tins and a piece of starched string?

Thought for the day: At US $699 for a 32GB iPhone 4 (Black or White) we’ll stay with the old Nokia housebrick, thank you.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.