Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Bonkers Boris in Biker Blackmail

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has been clandestinely filmed approaching motorcyclist protesters in central London in behaviour they claim is not only intimidating but also, in certain instances, life-threatening and bordering on blackmail.

Members of the group ‘Stick Yer Bike Parking Tax Up Yer Jacksy’ were protesting in Trafalgar Square last Wednesday evening when the tousle-haired Bonkers Boris was caught on film grabbing one lager-slurping demonstrator, Lonnie Yobbsky, by the collar and shouting "Hey you shit-for-brains oik, do you want to stay in the bus lanes or go back to queuing in traffic jams again?"

Igor Pissedoffvich, the Polish migrant leader of the group, speaking through his Albanian pikey translator, Ms. Tekem Orloff, told one reporter from the Refugee’s Gazette “This Bonkers Boris person is insane – he is saying that if we protest over the bike and scooter parking tax he will refuse to extend the bus lane trial when it expires on July 5th. This is blackmail and I will write to my own MP – in Cracow."

While the protesters were gathered in Trafalgar Square campaigning to have all parking taxes for motorcycles & scooters in Westminster abolished the police arrested several Estonians with the group who had ‘seed baited’ the square and rigged bird trap nets between the fountains to catch pigeons - and were in the process of using Greedy Grocer style insta-barbeque foil trays to cook their prey – including one falcon - when confronted by a most irate Boris and several moronic thugs from the Met’s CO19 ‘electrician snuffing’ Armed Clots Unit.

Ms Beverly Titwank, spokeswoman for the Mayor of London’s office told hacks from the gutter press red top tabloids that by blocking off roads around Trafalgar Square as part of their protest, the ‘Stick Yer Bike Parking Tax Up Yer Jacksy’ demonstrators were inconveniencing thousands of tourists, shoppers and commuters by jamming up a large part of central London.
“Hence it’s little wonder that Mayor Nonsense lost his rag and shouted at them – especially when a Chinese contingent of the Morecambe Bay Swimming Club were caught fishing in the eastern side fountain.”

The 18-month Transport for London trial allowing push bikes, skate boarders, pogo stickers, motorcycles, mopeds, scooters and tricycles to travel in the red route bus lanes - and play ‘Russian Roulette’ with the bendy buses - ends on 5 July. TfL will then submit recommendations to Mayor Nonsense, who will make the final decision as to whether the scheme becomes permanent.

Bonkers Boris’s spokeswoman Bev’ Titwank concluded "The mayor promised motorcyclists access to the bus lanes on a trial basis, but made it clear they would need to develop a mutual respect with others using the lanes for it to work well – and I don’t think he’ll appreciate the ‘Stick Yer Bike Parking Tax Up Yer Jacksy’ protesters accusing him of generalised thuggery and blackmail.”
"Seriously, such slurs on the Mayor’s good name do not bode well for the scheme becoming permanent.”

Were you fishing in the Trafalgar Square fountains last Wednesday evening? Wet or dry fly? Were the trout biting? Did you catch anything – apart from a police caution? How about the barbequed pigeon – is it as tasty as falcon or hawk – or roast swan?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a lifetime’s pass to drive along London’s red bus lanes in your car.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of feral pigeons – and several feathered raptors – did end up barbied.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the Motorcycle Parking Tax.

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