Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Libservatives Okay Monsanto Frankenfoods

In today’s Enhanced Bullshit edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Monsanto’s pernicious genetically modified food crops were presented with a positive and enthusiastic (unauthorised) ‘official seal of approval’ boost by the new Libservative Environment Secretary – who has since been lambasted by anti-GM critics and environmental groups for obviously not doing her research homework and knowing sweet Fanny Adams concerning the inherent dangers of mutant seeds - and who doesn’t give a flying fuck about the future of the environment she is supposed to be protecting.

Caroline Spelman, the Tory MP for West Twatford, shocked colleagues by suggesting that the coalition government will take a more pro-GM stance than its Labour predecessors - who wisely shied away from promoting ‘mutant foods’ in recent years over concerns of a public backlash and the potential for mega-class action personal injury claims if the predicted consequences of eating DNA-modified tucker manifested themselves in two-headed kids born without cocks, bollocks, pussies or ovaries - with bodies blighted by festering lesions and duck-egg sized tumours.

The Tories, for once applying the guiding philosophical principles of Bud Wiser – Buddha’s smarter cousin - have traditionally taken a sceptical approach to so- called 'Frankenstein foods', and thankfully, at present, no GM varieties are cultivated commercially in the UK due fears of a globally-devastating Pandora’s Box scenario presenting itself a ways further down this dark and enigmatic road to perdition.

However the ginger minging Spelman bitch – suffering an obvious ‘blonde moment’ - displayed lashing of unqualified arrogance when insisting mutant crops could bring benefits to food in the marketplace – and huge profits to Monsanto’s piggy bank.
But the rangga secretary’s intervention copped for fierce criticism from anti-GM campaigners, who accused her of getting her facts wrong and further drew scrupulous attention to her career background as a lobbyist for large bio-technology corporations and an irresponsible pursuit of financial interests at the expense of moral principles.

Spelman set up a food and biotech lobbying company – Manky Mutant Meals - with her husband Mork several years ago. Although she ‘conveniently’ resigned as a company director last year, the firm remains in the hands of her husband.

Er, excuse me a minute on this one. Can I smell a rat around here or is it just the fectal stench of ‘conflict of interest’.

Speaking to a reporter from the Freak Show Review, Spelman – who entered the political arena as the ‘Sugar Beet’ secretary for the National Farmers Union - claimed her enthusiasm for promoting GM foods wouldn’t profit her personally as she had erected a Chinese Wall between her apointed government post and hubby Mork’s ‘Manky Mutant Meals’ company.

Yeah, right on sister – we believe you – same as we didn’t over your Nannygate controversy for claiming dodgy MP expenses from the public purse to pay the kid’s Palestinian nanny, Whingera, her pittance of a salary.
Same as the £40,000 quid you claimed on expenses for cleaning and bills for your ‘constituency house’ – regardless of husband Mork admitting it was your main home – plus further instances of insatiable penny-pinching greed when you over-claimed hundreds of pounds in council tax charges.

Criticism aside, Spelman went into full promotional flow, informing media hacks “Lord Dogwanker (the new environment minister) has already approved a controlled trial of a blight-resistant variety of spud – which is precisely the type of genetic modification that can reduce the amount of toxic pesticides and agro-fertiliser chemicals which need to be applied.'
“Plus there will be benefits to developing countries, such as drought resistance or defence against the concentrated incidence of radioactive contamination per depleted uranium in the soil in places like Iraq, Gaza, Afghanistan – and Iran once the Americans and Israelis get through bombing the place in August.”

Conversely, one critic Harry Snott, the director of GM Freeze, opined to Pox News “Mrs Big Gob Spelman needs ter check very carefully before making claims about these insta-cancer crops cos it’s this ‘Roundup’ agricultural herbicide spray shit of Monsanto’s wot’s killin’ all the effin’ bees off so natural pollination gets fucked up an’ we have ter buy their crap.”
“Spelman needs ter keep her effin’ attentions focused on the bleedin’ environment an’ global warmin’ an’ get a stack of sandbags ready ter fight back the risin’ sea levels – and have the lifeboat crews on their toes ter save the drownin’ polar bears wot’s goin’ ter be paddlin’ down the North Sea coast when it all goes tits up an’ the Arctic icecap melts.”

Ramjam Jaffacake, a spokesperson for the Friends of the Earth, told Fux News “Neither the Government nor the Foods Standards Agency should even be considering genetically-modified foods when there are so many questions over the health and environmental impacts. The FSA itself is clearly incompetent and not fit for purpose to provide independent opinions on GM foods.”
“I mean, these Monsanto geneticists want to screw with the DNA of everything we eat and drink. Fish, meat, eggs, plants, salad stuffs, all our veggies, grain and cereal products, our seeds, our milk and dairy stuffs.”

“Plus we now have the GM-gate expose e-mails of how the Food Standards Agency is acting as a puppet of the Frankenfoods industry, by colluding with foreign GM companies to undermine people's access to GM-free food supplies in Britain – and don’t forget the FSA is chaired by former Labour minister Lord Tosspot, a pro-GM fanatic who attacks its critics as anti-science Luddites".

“Further, the entire thing stinks of graft and corruption when Lord Tosspot is the man who allowed lobbyists from big agriculture’s pro-genetically-modified anything Agricultural Biotechnology Council to write the government report on recommending GM foods.”

Darlston Fuctifino of the apocalyptic CrapWatch Institute told reporters “Remember that all GM seeds are purposely created sterile so their crops don`t germinate and can’t be propagated or pollenated. Reproduction’s carried out in the antiseptic environment of a lab. Using GM seeds to grow crops will place the world's food in the hands of a couple of kikester conglomerates, giving them immense power – total control in fact – over global food production.”

Hence it has now been demonstrably made apparent that to all intents and purposes Secretary Spelman is a creature of self-pursuit, promoting the conscience-less Monsanto ‘profit at any price’ mutant GM corporation – from an official government position – to the detriment of the many and ‘financial’ benefit of the few – including her scumbag husband Mork and his (read ‘their’) Manky Mutant Meals company.

For countless Millennium the Gaia Principle of natural selection has evolved and diversified all flora from grasses to cereal crops, fruits, veggies, trees – plants of every kind – and farmers since time immemorial have never attempted to cross a fish with a spud and green vegetable to get some form of Frankenstein foods insta-meal such as ‘Cod with broccoli and French fries’ - that resembles Blinkie.

Would you feed your kids any of this Monsanto genetically-modified Frankestein foods crap? Have you had your sperm count checked recently? Do you want to support the Rothshite GM foods plot to render the world’s population sterile for a few generations that will leave them with their desired half billion head ‘slave work force’?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: Is GM an abbreviation of Genetically-Modified or ‘Greedy Mammon’ – or ‘God Mammon’?

Oh, and by the way, fuck Bayer, Monsanto and Syngenta - and their GM Frankenfoods.

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