Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Greedy Grocers Join Anti-Labelling Lobby

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A legion of food companies including the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket chains of Pestco, Pukesburys, Shiteland and Mamon & Snobfords are in the process of lashing out £50 zillion quid to kill off a system of 'traffic light' warning labels that would help customers identify unhealthy products.

Doctors, veterinarians and consumer groups maintain the labelling is vital to helping families with the collective IQ of a flock of sheep to choose a healthy diet and avoid products high in fat, sugar, salt and depleted uranium – and a host of other carcinogenic nasties that have proved to play havoc with both the mental and physical aspects of human physiology.

The gospel according to research by the Food Standards Agency and consumer group Which Shit? shoppers support the red, amber and green colour coding on the front of packs so they know what to feed Granny so she kicks the bucket in the not too distant future and stops her shitting on the patio – plus what ‘not’ to feed the kids so they don’t get hyper on aspartame and other toxic sweeteners and go around setting fire to pensioners.

Conversely, food giants, including Pestco, Crapsi-Cola and Bollogg's, have spent tens of zillions of pounds on a vast lobbying campaign to put an end to the scheme, fearing the regime - that would force them to put red warnings on their currently best-selling sugary drinks and salty snacks - would hit sales and profits as soon as the shit-for brains public found out that eating such crap was the reason they had high blood pressure, chronic depression and cancerous tumours the size of duckeggs.

Processed food industry bosses will learn early next week if their campaign has succeeded with a vote on the future of European food and nutrition labelling by the EUSSR Parliament’s Ministry for Graft & Corruption.
However, consumer organisations fear MEPs will bow to the pressure of such attractive bribes and reject the traffic lights scheme in favour of an industry dodge that will leave things more or less as they are already – totally fucked up.

The Brussels-based European consumer group LARD-ARSES claims the traffic lights labelling system is a vital tool to help cope with rising levels of obesity and diet-orientated medical complaints – with the Director-General, Fellattia van der Gamm telling one reporter from the Fat Twats Review “Consumers have a right to clear and easy colour code labelling to understand information on packaging and to realise how much toxins they’re pouring – or shovelling – down their dumb-arsed red necks.”

“At a time when four out of five Europeans are fatter than a beached whale, there should exist a sound reason to empower individuals to improve their diets before they end up with blood the thickness of ketchup and a massive coronary or a brain-bursting stroke.”

Alas, certain critics claim this simply constitutes yet another intrusion into the public’s free will domain and if consumers don’t possess the common sense to realise that the secret to healthy nutrition simply lies in moderation, then they deserve to die. So, that’s the answer – Moderation.

Well, on reflection, the gospel according to the ancient maxims of Bud Wiser – Buddha’s elder brother states – “Everything in moderation – including Moderation.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of high cholesterol lunacy.

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