Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
With only four matches played so far in the FIFA World Cup tournament in South Africa it hasn’t simply been qualifying round points that the teams have been picking up.
After making a satisfying draw with the beaners in their opening match against Mexico, the South African host government of President Jacob Zuma’s Kleptocracy Party have taken sympathy and had a whip-round for the Greek team as their bankrupt government couldn’t afford to buy them soccer boots and they were forced to play their first match against South Korea in bare feet.
This resulted not only in a 2-1 win for their opponents but several broken toes from hard tackles and the goalie Kostas Fuctifino catching galloping foot rot after treading in a pile of festering hyena shit in the penalty area.
In the good ole U S of A versus England Group C match yesterday afternoon the play was marked by a total lack of strategy from both teams with makeshift tactics serving instead and the ball getting kicked any which way but into a goal mouth after Gerrard scored a jammy one in the fourth minute.
The Three Lions Limeys could have stayed out in front and claimed a victory over the Colonial Cocksuckers apart from the fact that England goalie Rob Green was actually playing for the Yanks and let in a long-range soft toe-peck from Clunt Dempsey in the thirty-ninth minute.
It remains to be seen if manager Flabbio Capello will field ‘Bobby Butterfingers’ Green in the No 1 jersey again in this tournament after he lost his mates three vital points - or opt out for back-up goalies Dave James or Joe Hart – or even Edward Scissorhands in the forthcoming match against Algeria next Friday.
Argentina’s match against Nigeria resulted in a one-nil win for the Latinos with a highly volatile Mexican stand-off narrowly diverted by a valiant flourish of yellow and red cards by the Finnish referee Macdonald Burgerbunn when the forwards and wingers from both teams decided to have a school playground pissing competition involving name-calling, hair pulling and scratching – with the politically-incorrect phrases of ‘Effin’ Dagos’ and “Bleedin’ Kaffirs’ being easily discerned from the camera and audio footage.
While ex-Swedish chef cum Nigerian manager Lars Lagerlout relied on his voodoo priestess and a Biafran shaman to inflict curses on the Argentinean players and gain a scoring advantage, the Latino’s manager Diego Maradona went one further and invoked Divine Intervention by kneeling on the pitch and vigourously fingering his rosary - and offering repeated Hail Mary’s to a disinterested God who actually prefers watching rugby - or cricket.
On the FIFA hot gossip scene, the zillionaire Ukrainian oligarch Oleg Mobsaroubles, owner of the Wankprom oil and gas conglomerate and the UK Premier League Smegmadale Scallies soccer team, accompanied by several high maintenance asset slappers and current number one girl friend - ex-Moscow nightclub stripper Ms Takem Orloff – while invested in their private air con’ box at the Johannesburg stadium - informed one reporter from the Offside Gazette that his recent acquisition of the bankrupt MGM Studios and subsequent involvement with the Academy Awards selection committee has prompted him to sponsor the candidacy of several of the Nigerian soccer team players for acting awards due the colourful intensity of their performances when dramatising for effect their professed injuries from fouls.
In addition, after viewing the pantomime ‘Mama Mia’ antics of Diego Maradona, Mr Mobsaroubles was prompted to pronounce “Now zat man – he is definitely Oscar material.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Thought for the day: Do you believe England goalie Rob Green bumbled the ball and let in an equalising goal due being distracted to the point of actually shitting his pants by the cacophonous roar of a volley of South African vuvuzelas?
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