Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Libservative Dog Leash Policy ‘Barking Mad’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The EUSSR’s Brussels-based Centre for Advanced Lunacy, working in conjunction with the UK’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, has this week crafted perhaps the most stupid piece of legislation to be introduced since their last stupid piece of legislation.
So, pray what is this latest bit of totalitarian regulatory idiocy to come off the daft statutes assembly line?
Believe it or not, following a six month survey and the compilation of a 15,000 page report costing £27,000,000 million quid, this idiotic decree governs the maximum length permitted for a dog leash.

Yep – dog leads. Here we are wallowing in debts and deficits of £156 billion quid to an assortment of foreign shylock banksters, lumbered with a Libservative coalition that hasn’t a clue how to sort out the fiscal and economic problems they’ve inherited from the previous mismanaged Broon government and we’re focusing our primary attentions – plus expenditures – on enforcing how long a dog leash should be in accordance with Labour’s Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act which have proved equally unpopular across the entire known Universe.

The current range of retractable dog leashes available on the market can extend to 500 yards with the ‘hi-tech’ ‘Flexi-Click’ titanium return spring being controlled by a ratchet mechanism that allows Towser or Rover the freedom to run around without their owner having to unduly concern themselves over the canine dashing off to chase loitering moggies – yet once activated will drag any hound up to 40 kilos in weight off the back of the bitch it’s trying to screw – or out of the communal flower beds where it was intending to bury a tasty morsel of road kill for later consumption - or take a crap.

However under the latest draconian legislation to be enacted by the EUSSR’s fascist autocrats this will now further empower Britain’s local authority petty bureaucrats and martinet jobsworths comprising the Community Enforcement Moron Squads to target anyone using a lead longer than 6 feet with the threat of a £1,000 quid on-the-spot fine.

The measure has already been imposed for a trial run by Woofington Council in Barkshire which had previously imposed ‘dogmatic’ dog control orders covering dozens of parks and playing fields that proved to be what avaricious grasping council officials term “a right handy little revenue earner” from the arbitrary cash penalties imposed on hapless pet owners that dare allow their four-legged friend to transgress any portion of the captious canine legal code.

Both the Smegmadale-on-Sea and Numptyford councils already stipulate that on public footpaths and grassed squares dogs must be kept on leads that are not more than 4 feet long.
Earlier this year the Fuckwit and Twatwood Councils in Crapshire banned all dogs – large, small and medium – from the 72 parks comprising their ‘green spaces’ inventory of leisure areas - with the threat of being shot on sight by one of their Park Wardens on hire from the Renta-Thug security agency quango.

Twatford Council spokeswoman Beverly Titwank told a reporter from the Killjoys Gazette “The areas where we are barring the public from exercising their nasty baby-biting pit bull terriers and rabid mongrels include the community’s formal gardens and sports pitches in parks.”
“However, there are plenty of open spaces around the Pennines and Yorkshire Moors where people can go to exercise their silly dogs off the lead and let them chase a few sheep or badgers.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the EUSSR and their barmpot regulations.

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