Kiddlie Fiddling Priests: Devil to Blame

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Vatican’s spin doctors have been burning the midnight oil and conjuring up ‘sexcuses’ to get the legions of kiddie fiddling pervert priests off the hook for their heinous criminal sins of buggering choirboys. And the palliative answer is: the Devil made me do it!

Oh yes, you heard it right the first time – the Devil. That poor mythical fallen angel who’s been getting a bad press and blamed for all sorts of immorality and mortal sin committed via the vagaries of human nature since the dawn of time – if not before.

So thus armed with this ‘divine dispensation’ from the College of Cardinals and the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Pope Benny, the all-new built-to-last German Mk XVI Uber-Pontiff model, yesterday announced to the Vatican press corps that - applying a most hackneyed cliché - the Church’s deviant priests ‘are but men’ and were seduced away from their vows of celibacy by none other than Satan himself.

The Pope ‘pontificated’ that only the Devil – the Eternal Enemy’ – would conspire to create rosy-cheeked cherubic choirboys with firm, rounded buttocks and cupid lips to tempt and allure good, chaste men of the cloth to the sins of fellatio and sodomy – and subsequently turn those catamites into grassers and snitches howling ‘Abuse!’ and demanding measures of material compensation for all the ‘hallowed mayonnaise’ they’d gagged on and been forced to swallow during reluctant acts of irrumatio – and for their individual cases of ruptured tonsils, chronic haemorrhoids and prolapsed sphincters.

Since the Catholic sexual abuse crisis erupted a decade ago, there have been numerous attempts to explain its causes and divert attention away from the obvious fact that the priesthood has traditionally, throughout the Catholic church’s history, attracted the likes of sadists to the torture chambers of Inquisiton (of which the curent Pope aka Joey Ratflinger of Nazi Hitler Youth fame headed prior to his current elevation) and raving pederasts and fudgers due their access to pretty choirboys – plus rugmunching dykes to swell the ranks of the convent’s naughty nuns. And who, until now, would dare question the holier-than-thou status of the paedo’ priests of God.

Hence Pope Benny claims it’s no accident that precisely as the Catholic church was celebrating a “Year for Priests” in 2009-2010, the paedophilia sexual abuse crisis reached a scandalous climax of massive global proportions – which was due a deeper unseen force lurking behind the crisis, especially its timing: none other than Old Nick himself – with this same dark presence affecting the judgement of the church elders when they covered up the cases of abuse.

Now what a brilliant legal argument Pope Benny has there. If we are to accept Catholic belief in Scientific Creationism and ontological proof of the existence of God, then we must too accept the argument that while everything good that happens in our temporal lives and existence on Earth is the doing of a benevolent and caring God, then likewise everything bad that occurs within this same set of parameters are the dirty deeds of the Devil.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: Do you agree with the Vatican’s decision to excommunicate the Beijing-based kiddie fiddling cleric – Bishop Fa Tu Yung?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.