Sunday, 20 June 2010

PC McTosser’s On-the-Spot Sex Fine

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Smegmadale-on-the-Wold traffic police officer has been given a caution, fined £10 quid and slapped with a 50 hour Community Service Order sentence for having unprotected rampant sex with female drivers in exchange for excusing their motoring offences.

Constable Barry McTosser, 33, of Twatsford Terraces appeared at Smegmashire Crown Court on charges of misconduct while in public office.
The court heard how the accused contacted the women after pulling them over and played a sick game of ‘Deal or No Deal’ by offering to overlook their idiotic driving offences if they consented to having perverted al fresco sessions of three-hole sex with him.

The court was presented with evidence of how the Smegmadale officer used the police force’s new Inter-Plod national computer network to access personal data on his victims.
PC McTosser, a self-confessed chronic masturbator whose previous carnal experiences had been limited to a long-term relationship with his right hand, stopped dozens of women for minor motoring offences and requested their mobile phone numbers. He later sent the women drivers text messages demanding they meet him for sex – or else.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush QC, prosecuting, informed the court that McTosser’s victims had felt powerless to complain and quite overawed as he was a police officer in uniform and made great display of his twelve inch truncheon.

The court heard evidence of how one woman, Ms Beverly Titwank of Doggers Wood was driving with only a provisional licence and no L plates or accompanying qualified driver when McTosser pulled her over for doing three circuits of a five branch roundabout as she attempted to discern which exit to take.
When he informed her that the car would be impounded Ms Titwank began a big sob-sob act – and it was then that McTosser offered to let her off with a warning if she gave him a blow job on the rear seat of his patrol car.

Ms Titwank told the court “So I gets inter the back of his effin’ panda car an’ he drops his pants an’ his skiddies round his ankles like an’ there’s this tiny little cock peepin’ out of his pubic hair an’ I starts laughin’ me effin’ head off cos I’d never seen a dick that small before an’ sez ter him “That might be all-right for keyholes and little girlie’s pee holes but no good for me, darling.”

“That’s when he gets all nasty like an’ sticks his mini-weiner in me ear an’ sez “Yer cunt – I’m gonna fuck some sense inter yer!” – an’ that’s when I grabbed hold of his bollocks an’ started squeezin’ an’ tuggin’ til he passed out – so I nicked his effin’ Plod Squad ID card an’ got his cellphone number.”

Ms Titwank added that when she informed her husband about the incident he started sending PC McTosser a series of taunting text messages and posted details of the incident on the Twitter social networking website that led to two other women – Ms Chlamydia Muffitch, a 17-year old mother of three, and the 96-year old Ms Candida Twatrot - filing charges against him.

In closing Sir Irwin Bogbrush QC told the court "Ms Titwank was left unnerved by the sordid events and maintains she will never get into a police vehicle again, having lost faith in the police as a protective force of capable men if they all have penises that small."

Mr Armitage Shanks, defending, told the court that McTosser was full of remorse for breaking the 11th Commandment and getting his sorry arse caught.
"It was PC McTosser’s long-standing ambition to be a police officer and the fulfilment of a dream to hold arbitrary power over defenceless women and demand all manner of perverted sex that he couldn’t get while out on the moors chasing sheep."

Do you live in the Smegmashire area? Have you been pulled over by traffic police and given a choice between an on-the-spot fine and three points on your licence or give the plod a blow job? Have you seen anyone in a blue uniform out on the moors, zapped up on a Viagra high and chasing sheep?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a huge amount in compensation for the psychological distress suffered.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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