Saturday, 19 June 2010

French Poison Dwarf Outlaws ‘Tallness’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Nikolas Teakozy of France, the incumbent short-arsed President, known affectionately to family, friends and critics alike as a vanity-stricken physical (and mental) midget troll, has finally spit the proverbial dummy and taken umbrage at remarks ranging from the mildly sarcastic to outright ridicule concerning his height – or rather the actual lack of it.

The egocentric 4 foot 9 inches ‘small’ leader is alleged to now dispatch his aides ahead of official visits to prevent anyone taller from appearing alongside him in public.
This latest piece of raving paranoia over his diminutive size affecting the macho Gallic image comes just a week after he fired the lofty six-footers from his presidential protection team and recruited a gang of ‘cage fighting’ midgets from Le Circus Petite.

The Liliputian Teakozy, who either wears 12 inch platform heels or walks on stilts to disguise his lack of vertical attainment, is due to officially open the new Turbo Tatswiller ‘Fido Foods’ doggy chow factory near Merde-sur-Mer next week, with the local gutter press rag – the Enculez-Vous Gazette - reporting two Presidential staff had been there already to 'whittle out the tall ones'.
One line production manager working at the factory who wishes to remain anonymous (Pierre le Twatte) informed the scandal-mongering tabloid "I am almost six feet tall and I was told that I must not come to work that day in case I cast a shadow over Monsieur President – or tread on him by accident."

The anarchist red top tabloid further commented: "It seems people at the plant decided it was better to yield to the miniature President's asinine wishes than face exile to the land of the pygmies."

The Amazonian 5 feet 10 inches tall Carla Bruni, his fiesty Italian spouse, towers over him in bare feet, let alone her Domina-like leather thigh-length boot with six inch spiked heels - and refers to her ‘Little Nikki’ as “My Tom Thumb pocket-sized hubby.”

Apparently Teakozy’s ‘short-arse’ psychosis and phobia date back to his schooldays when he was regularly pissed on by much taller boys of his own age – then fell victim to several instances of ‘midget tossing’ while he was at college – normally by his drunken peers who had a bad habit of dropping him – on his already deformed head.

Teakozy’s efforts to have non-aligned political allies force through the French legislature a Dwarf Tossing Ban law similar to the Leprechaun Chucking Act that was passed by the Irish Parliament in 2008 went awry when the Conseil d’Etat were unable to agree on nor set a standard maximum height measurement for dwarfs, midgets, pygmies or smurfs.

Have you ever been pissed on from a dizzy height? Do you ever toss the odd midget or three? Did you know Scotsmen toss cabers? Were you aware most French politicians are regarded as ‘tossers’? Do you think a ‘Midget Tossing’ event will be included in the 2012 London Olympics?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a front row ticket to the Turbo Tatswiller’s ‘Fido Foods’ doggy chow plant’s grand opening next week and stand next to President Teakozy - and make him look like a right krunt.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of midgets were temporarily tossed off.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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