Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Bus Driver Ousts Rowdy Kid & Preggers Mum

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A 15-year old pregnant mother of three told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that she was forced to get off a bus after the driver became distracted and annoyed by her hyper-active toddler's ‘temper tantrum’ behaviour.

Chantelle McSlagg related to gutter press hacks of how she was told by the driver to keep her two-year-old sprog Troy quiet and under control on the number 666 bus servicing the route between Kuntsborough and Shitford-on-Sea in Smegmashire.

Ms McSlagg claims they were then literally thrown off the bus more than a mile from her stop because she failed to heed the driver's warning.
“Yeah yer know like, we’d just bin down ter the effin’ welfare office in Shitford ter get me DSS benefits giro an’ here’s me loaded down ter the effin’ gills wiv the week’s shoppin’ from Pound Stretcher as well as little Troy in his bleedin’ push chair an’ three heavy bags of Meths Breezers an’ Lambert an’ Butler ciggies an’ big packs of assorted Wanker’s crisps fer the kid’s dinners.”

“Then this knobhead of a driver kicks us off his effin’ bus just cos Troy threw a wobbler an’ spit the dummy cos he was pissed off wiv sittin’ in his push chair an’ I wouldn’t let him have a ciggy or a slurp of the booze til we got home like.”
“So then he wanted ter play wiv his Bob the Builder chain saw wot I got fer him fer Christmas. Okay, maybe it woz a bit smokey an’ noisy when he started it up but all he did woz chop a bit of an effin’ hole in the bus floor wiv it and the driver loses his rag and’ stops the bus an’ shouts – all politically-incorrect like – “Piss off Missus - an’ take that little twat wiv yer!”- an’ that’s not on, callin’ our Troy a little twat – even if he is one.”

The alleged incident happened last Tuesday as part-time pole dancer Chantelle McSlagg, who is six months pregnant with her fourth child, was heading home to the Slumdale Hamlets housing estate following their Shitford-on-Sea excursion.
She got on the bus with the two-year old Troy who was apparently cranky and suffering the effects of a hangover from slurping a couple of cans of his father’s 8% Bitch Thumper lager the previous night while his parents were down the pub watching the pit bull tournament finals on Dogfight Challenge.

Conversely, the bus driver Ghengis O’Moloch told reporters “Just take a butcher’s at the on-board CCTV footage and listen to the audio – they speak volumes and justify my actions in turfing the pair of them off the bus just after the Asbo Gardens roundabout.”

Chantelle’s partner Wayne, 26, an unemployed skateboard mechanic, told a commentator from Channel 69’s ‘Yobsters Review’ “I gets this phone call on me mobile wot wakes me up and it’s Chantelle an she sez “Yer gotta get yer effin’ arse outa bed an’ go an’ nick a car an’ come an’ pick me an’ Troy up from opposite Asbo Gardens cos we’ve just got our arses chucked off the bus.”
“So there I am at 2 o’clock in the afternoon goin’ out in a black tracksuit wiv the hood up ter rip a motor off ter go an’ pick her and that little twat Troy up – an’ in total breach of me effin’ probation agreement.”

Have you ever been thrown off a bus for chain saw vandalism? Do you think Asbo-proof buses should be made available and driven by mindless robots instead of mindless lard-arsed sub-human drivers? Do you agree that the offspring of shit-for-brains parents should be reared in incubators until they’re 14 years old then conscripted to the 21s Cannon Fodder Regiment or the 16th Body Bag Battalion in Afghanistan?

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of bus drivers were temporarily pissed off.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits on the bus will it get tossed off?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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