Thursday, 3 June 2010

Cameron to Blame for Gulf Oil Disaster

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative spin doctors have gone into overdrive fashion following an evil Labour-inspired black propaganda plot – traced back to Alastair Scambell and Lord Scandalson - on the good name of their illustrious leader, Posh Dave – the all-new Greener than Green Prime Minister who has no secrets and even tells us that it’s ‘our money’ his government is spending – as if we didn’t already know.

Since getting into power Mr ‘More Verdant than Thou’ Cameron has been touting the Tory policy ‘Green Revolution’ and ‘Blue Skies Thinking’ – even on cloudy days when the azure heavens are criss-crossed with contrails – and those nasty toxic chemtrails – plus lashings of caustic dust from Iceland’s Mount Whatafuckup volcanic eruption polluting the atmosphere and shutting down airports across Europe.

Yep, a true environmental paladin now become, our Dave - which is why he’s throwing a wobbler and as pissed off as a porcupine with a hot chilli pepper shoved up its arse since ‘somebody’ kick started a rumour that he’s indirectly connected to the mega-catastrophic oil leak spouting from the fractured seabed well casing of the Deepwater Disaster drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

Every fucker and their dog knows by now that the declared reason for the rig explosion and subsequent fire and oil leak - was not really a nasty act of sabotage at all but a faulty BOP (blow-out preventer) wellhead valve that was long past its viable working life and rustier than a pirate’s hook.

So, guess who the BOP was manufactured by? Cameron Control Systems. And that, folks, is what caused the Biblical proportions calamity that is currently turning the Gulf of Mexico into the world’s biggest tar pit - a Cameron Type TL 18¾in 15K double BOP preventer – which actually prevented sweet FA.

Hence Dave’s gone off the deep end and into total denial mode, even sinking so low as to talk with the gutter press hacks from the red top tabloids, announcing for all and sundry willing to listen that he has no connection whatsoever with the Cameron Control Systems corporation of Houston, Texas who are responsible for the Environmental Calamity of the Millennium – not even a single non-voting stock share - and further to this fact - nor is he a Jacobite agent working for the Scots Stuart clan

Regardless, no doubt the rumour will disperse faster than the oil slicks hitting the Gulf beaches and Posh Dave can get back to preaching the gospel of his Green Revolution and asking school kids “Mix blue and yellow, and what do you get?”

The answer, as every primary school pupil in the country knows, is green – the colour of festering cormorant shit - precisely the shade of Dave’s climate change obsessed new Government.
The Conservative manifesto pledged on a mixed stack of Torahs, Korans and Bibles that they would be the greenest and most honest British government since the dawn of time – if not before – which isn’t saying much after thirteen years of deceitful scum alike Tony Bliar and ‘Bigot Bitch’ Broon running the show.

However the new Carbon Credits Minister, Lib Dum Chis Huge, whose appointment has been enthusiastically welcomed by his Mum, Winnie, and next door’s cat – is now highly sceptical concerning the Al Bore generated Global Warming scam and the attached cap and trade exchange bourse set to rip entire nations, corporations and individuals off for zillions of bucks.

Mr Huge, the MP for East Twatford, has expressed to the media he has no faith in nuclear power stations being the answer to the UK’s future energy requirements, nor Posh Dave’s silly wind farms doing much else but decapitate gaggles of itinerant seabirds and turn flocks of sheep into cranky insomniacs.
Instead Chris Huge wants to concentrate our national farming energies on growing mega-hectares of sphagnum moss across the otherwise semi-desolate moorlands – which can be burned in the flash steam furnaces of what are currently coal-fired power plants.

Really pushing the virtues of this wonder flora and how our proposed ‘green economy’ can be based around this single plant, Huge relates it can save millions for the NHS by using it for soaking up blood and pus and other wholly nauseous bodily excretions – including shit – hence doing away with expensive cotton bandages and dressings.
Further, sphagnum has excellent antiseptic properties and can hold up to twenty times its weight in water - and has the capacity to soak up oil spills – just like the one caused by Posh Dave’s faulty BOP valve in the Gulf of Mexico.

So, there we go. Britain is destined to be a nation of verdant sphagnum bogs – hence establishing a ‘bog-standard’ green economy.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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