Thursday, 10 June 2010

NHS Hospital Asbo - er - Hospitalised

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Harry Fuctifino, a homeless person who has become an expert at faking illness so he can stay in hospital, has been slapped with a criminal Asbo. The Met’s counter-fraud experts claim Mr Fuctifino’s hypochondria scam has cost the National Ill-Health Service what banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

According to police evidence the 96-year old accused had used more than 70 aliases to trick NHS staff into admitting him to hospital – with a judge at Smegmadale-on-Sea Crown Court now banning Fuctifino from using the NHS unless he is genuinely ill.

After spending hours scouring medical textbooks in local libraries around the country he knew which symptoms to report - and how to be classed as highly infectious so he could get his own room with a telephone, TV and digital radio service - targeting legions of hospitals across the UK in a deception which is thought to have begun shortly after the Second World War – when hospital food was reasonably tasty and still fit for human consumption.

Hospital staff from Tadger’s Wick in northern Scotland to Knob’s End in Kent had been among those he tricked to get a clean bed and food – and a hot bath.
Each time Fuctifino was admitted to hospital it cost some hapless NHS Trust between £400 and £1,000 per night as he often claimed to be a haemophiliac with galloping dobber rot, and would feign chest pains, night blindness and the symptoms of advanced Ebola by drinking red ink.
However, when blood tests and X-rays showed there was sweet fuck all wrong with him, staff began to suspect, then cotton on to the fact, he was the infamous ‘Harry the Hospital Hopper’.

Officers at the NHS and Counter Fraud and Security Management Service (NHS CFSMS) issued all hospitals with ID photos of Fuctifino and a description of his distinctive tattoos, to help catch him.

The service's head Ms Fellattia Shitengale told a reporter from the Hypochondriac’s Gazette that "The criminal Asbo is to prevent further unnecessary financial losses and risks to the NHS and its patients. If Mr Fuctifino breaks the terms of his restrictions, he will be jailed for up to five years – which at his age he’ll probably spend in some prison hospital.”

Unfortunately upon hearing the Judge’s decision to impose the Asbo, Mr Fuctifion became over-wrought and so traumatised he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to the nearest NHS Hospital for treatment.

Do you fancy a couple of week’s break lying up in one of the NHS Trust’s hospitals, in a 5-star isolation ward and receiving bespoke care while watching Sky TV all day?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a dream vacation at the NHS’s expense – and end up with MRSA and have your internal organs harvested by mistake.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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