Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Britain’s bat-eared Prince of Wales, the plant-whispering Chazzer - totally disregarding the tragedy of our sceptred isle’s greenbelt being turned into sink or swim housing estates to cater for a motley population of ne’er do well benefits-sponging pikey migrants from the EU – has set out on a bonkers crusade to save the forests of Transylvania, inspired by his ancestral links to Vlad the Impaler, the 15th century homicidal maniac and founder of the Bucharest Impaler’s Club - better known by his patronymic of Dracula.
The eccentric Chazzer is demanding that the forests of the Carpathian Mountains, some of the last untouched wilderness areas in Europe, be protected from illegal loggers and firewood merchants who don’t seem to give a flying fuck about the size of their carbon footprints - before it all goes tits up and the same way as the vast woodlands that once bestowed Britain with her majestic arboreal glory.
Speaking to a press hack from the Environmental Pillagers Review, the barmy Windsor heir to the English throne set out his claim of inheritance as Chazzer the First, King of Transylvania, via a family connection through his great-grandmother, Queen Mary the Bloodsucking Bitch (consort of George V) – a direct descendent of Vlad Dracul, the Mark III Prince of Wallachia who earned the sobriquet of ‘The Impaler’ through his propensity for ramming pointed stakes up the arse-end of his Turkish Ottoman battlefield captives, then mounting said stakes vertically so the victims screamed themselves to death and provided an evening’s entertainment. Oh well, human rights and wrongs besides, it was the days before television and X-Box games.
Chazzer is currently in Romania with his chain-smoking troll of a missus, Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, to campaign against the negative environmental effects of the rapid economic growth in Romania – a country obviously governed by masochists on a self-harm mission as they actually asked to join the corruption-ridden EUSSR Debtocracy.
If industrial development goes ahead Romania’s virgin forests could end up logged out to extinction and totally barren like the rapidly expanding deserts of North Africa - once dense with thick woodlands until the Sahara Forest Trading Company set up business during the reign of Egypt’s 18th Dynasty - to produce flat pack pyramids and camel-toe sandals.
The numpty Prince reckons two-hundred and fifty-thousand hectares of virgin forests are in urgent need of protection, and currently provide a habitat for brown bears, black bears, the Romanian side of Paddington’s family – plus lynx, werewolves, dwarf rhinoceros and 13,000 other diverse species that apparently all taste very good when marinated in their own blood and barbequed over a slow fire – including the extinction-threatened Lesser Spotted Moldovian Aardvark.
Besides being the role model for Bram Stoker’s fictional vampire, Count Vlad Dracul is related to Britain's royal family both genealogically and through a medical condition – porphyria – which strickens sufferers with a thirst for blood – preferably that of veal-fed virgins with nice tits and lily-white thighs.
An iron deficiency, porphyria is the basis for the vampire myth and perhaps what spurred Vlad's taste for dipping his lunchtime sandwiches in a hapless victim’s blood.
This condition has infected the DNA of the royal families and nobility of Europe for countless generations – along with several other mongrel type congenital defects caused through aeons of incestuous interbreeding – including bat-ears, prognathous jaws, big schnozzers, haemophilia, impotency and madness – all resulting in homicidal offspring with a bloodlust bent for preying on their fellow man.
Thought for the day: So what’s new? The royals of Europe have been sucking the life’s blood out of their common peasants since time immemorial – and apart from the Bourbon dynasty of France and the Romanov dynasty of Russia - (Rot in Hell) - the rest are still at it.
As to Chazzer himself – he and his Dad, Virus Man Philip, had his ex-missus Princess Diana snuffed in rigged car smash in Paris to avoid her becoming a Biblical scale embarrassment. Oh well, better than getting impaled.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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