Sunday, 6 November 2011

US General Fired for Telling Truth

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A senior US commander has been dismissed personally by President Barky O’Barmy, the incumbent White House cuckoo, following a string of honest though disparaging comments he made to the gutter press stating that Afghanistan's leaders were as much use as tits on a bull.

Maj Gen Peter Fuller, deputy commander of nasty NATO's Afghan training mission, interviewed by a media hack from the Warmongers Gazette, this week transgressed the ultimate sin in breaching the rules of diplomatic and political correctness when he opined that the basket case shithole’s leaders – President Hamid Kami-Karzai and his Kleptocracy Party cabinet - were a bunch of incompetent dog wankers – totally isolated from reality – and that an ingrained culture of nepotistic graft and corruption has become so institutionalised the Afghan government – alike its US counterpart - was now incapable of functioning without it.

Fuller, reportedly tired and over-emotional following an all-night binge drinking session at Kabul’s Happy Yak Club – an ex-pat watering hole favourite, notorious for its see-through burka-clad pole dancers - went into a frenzied denunciation of all things Afghan – excepting the actual enemy, the Taliban – who he commended for their determined tenacity and honesty of purpose – proven two decades earlier when they kicked out the massed military might of the Soviet Russian invaders.

“Jesus H Christ on a rocking horse – have these moronic clowns in the Pentagon forgotten the US’s shameful history of aggression in Vietnam an’ getting our arses whipped just the same as the Froggies by General Giap an’ a bunch of goddam skinny gooks in black pyjamas. For fuck’s sake, we’re still wearing the stigma of that debacle.”
“Now we’re in the same position again – fighting a guerrilla force enemy who’s no-one and everyone – and unlike our grunts on the ground, actually possess a sense of objective and believe in their God, this Allah guy, who awards them with 72 perpetual virgins for dying a martyr’s death. No shit, I might just convert to Islam myself.”

“This mountainous Third World shithole saw off the armies of Alexander the Great and countless successive invaders besides – hence the sobriquet of Graveyard of Empires.”
“Besides, no fucker or their dog here has any faith or trust in Hamid Kami-Karzai’s government or the country's leadership – and that’s not just the parties of foreign interest just out to make a quick buck like Slackwater / XE and Scallyburton, but the Afghans themselves.”

General Fuller made his greatest faux pas by likening the fatally-flawed NATO training mission in Afghanistan to teaching a man to fish.
"You can show a guy how to tackle up a rod and line, or you can give them a fish, and all Mrs High n Mighty Hilarious Rodent Clinton, that stupid dyke bitch running the State Department - and her Kenyan buddy in the White House have been doing is giving them more fucking fish.”
“So she gives them catfish and they want cod – so she gives them cod then they want halibut – then have the brazen gall to say “Hey, how come you’re giving us this halibut shite – we want swordfish.”
“So what I say is Fuck You, Hamid! - Guess what? From now on there’s pork belly and trotters on the menu for you pricks.”

Conversely, the personal opinions of Maj Gen Fuller, a credible expert with impeccable credentials in the military field – plus bestowed with the distinction of being a devout Pastafarian and lay preacher for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in his social life – have been denigrated as ‘biased’ by the Pentagon’s Joint Chiefs of Staff, with Admiral Billy Bob Redneck and General Hiram J Warthog III branding Fuller as ‘battle fatigued’ and ‘unbalanced’ – and stating for the public record “Gen Fuller's comments do not represent the true US-Afghan relationship.”

Admiral Redneck told media hacks “We don’t need socio-political umpires in this game – all he has to do is follow our orders. Train the stupid Afghans to guard the Socal pipeline and the opium crops – it’s that easy.”

However, Fuller’s is hardly the most serious case of diplomatic indiscretion regarding the Afghan fubar in recent years. General ‘Stan the Man’ McChrystal was forced to resign his post as commander of US forces in Afghanistan in June 2010 after he called a spade ‘a spade’ when referring to US President Barky O’Barmy as an ‘Kenyan-Indonesian Muslim impostor’ and a ‘complete tosser’ for his treasonable act of dissolving the Posse Comitatus Act.

McChrystal went on to add further nails to his coffin lid by making critical comments concerning the Zionist-dominated White House’s crooked administration and Pentagon’s entire defective policy regarding Afghanistan’s President Hamid Kami-Karzai and his cabinet of career criminals - and the misconceived NATO mission being a snafu on a Biblical scale – all published verbatim by Rolling Stone magazine.

Thought for the day: The latest news issued by the White House regarding General Fuller’s sacking is laden with ambiguity over whether he’ll be reassigned to penguin guarding duties in Antarctica, retire from the military with his pension intact – or meet an unfortunate demise in a convenient air crash on the flight home.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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