Missing a Body? Call Hull Mortuary

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Authorities in Hull are probing claims that the body of a German POW who was supposedly transferred to Nuremberg in 1945 to stand trial for his part in Nazi war crimes and subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment in East Berlin’s Spandau Prison, had actually croaked while in custody in Britain and by some macabre quirk of fate ended up stored in the Lost & Found section of Hull General Hospital’s mortuary for the past 65 years.

Officers from the Humberside Plod Squad’s ‘Cold Crimes’ unit have been tasked with leading the investigation into how German prisoner of war Rudolph Hess, held at the Kingston-upon-Hull Military Prison from August 1941 – supposedly until October 1945 – (when 'he' (sic) was flown back to Germany to stand trial for his part in what the news media would typically blow out of all proportion as usual and call the Second World War) – ended up in a hospital mortuary refrigerator undisturbed for the past six decades – and more to the point – who was dispatched to Nuremberg in his place?

As salivating flocks of rabid gutter press vultures began to circle around the hospital’s mortuary annex, local authority spokeswoman Ms Beverly Titwank confided to one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that "Hull City Council is both appalled and distraught at this revelation and, in conjunction with the Humberside and East Yorkshire Hospitals NHS Trust, is undertaking a full and thorough investigation as to who else might be stored away under a shroud of frost and ice.”

Plod Squad officers have apparently tracked down one of the ex-Vice Fuhrer’s prison guards, Cpl Harry ‘Gnasher’ McScrote – 116 years old last birthday and still cleaning his own chimney every Spring – who confirmed the identity of the defrosted cadaver and later told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “That woz bleedin’ Hess alright - I’d recognize them effin’ eyebrows a mile off. Rudolph the red-nosed Nazi we used ter call him.”

A search of the MoD and Whitehall WW2 top secret archives, stored in a shed behind Admiralty House, brought to light a file revealing that Hess had been stricken with a dose of Galloping Salmonella from a double-helping of week-old sauerkraut he’d scavenged out of the camp’s pigswill bins the days prior to his forced repatriation to Germany in 1945 – which resulted in a bout of ballistic diarrhoea and Hess eventually crapping out with a case of terminal prolapse.

On receiving this disturbing news Churchill and the war cabinet shit kittens over the fact that Hess had snuffed it while in British ‘protective’ custody so decided to deceive the Yanks and Ruskies by seconding the renown vaudeville Nazi celebrity impersonator Sid ‘Sieg Heil’ Smithers to assume Hess’s identity in return for a mention in Royal dispatches and a posthumous knighthood.

Stop press: The latest banner headline in today’s red top Body Snatcher’s Review claims the corpse of Teamsters’ boss Jimmy Hoffa has also been discovered in the Hull mortuary - along with several cryogenically-frozen body bags reputed to contain the human (sic) remains of Anastasia Romanoff, Howard Hughes, Martin Bormann, Harold Holt, Buster Crabb, Glenn Miller, the crew of the Mary Celeste - and a cloned pair of ET cadavers wearing only 'Area 51 Sucks - Roswell Rules' t-shirts.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.