Plod Fired for Cuckolding Labour MP

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

PC Frank McShagger, a close-in security bodyguard with the Special Operations Unit, has this week been dismissed by the Metropolitan Police for conduct unbecoming a member of the force, which condemned him for adding to its already devastated reputation by bonking Labour MP Alan Johnson’s missus.

In a press release statement, Met Commander Percy Swindler announced that PC McShagger’s’s conduct in this affair was unacceptable – being caught on camera by the paparazzi while giving the ex-Home Secretary’s wife one doggy style over a patio table - and had been sanctioned for abuse of his position of trust.

"Regardless of his pathetic excuses that Mrs Johnson’s a raving nympho’ and spiked his tea with high octane Viagra - then took advantage of his involuntary erectile state, PC McShagger has damaged the reputation of the Metropolitan Police Service and the specialist discipline in which he worked – which, speculation and rumours besides – was to act as a bodyguard and not the lady’s personal gigolo.”
“By doing so he might well have kept a smile on Mrs Johnson’s face but has breached the professional standards expected by the UK’s taxpaying peasants.”

“I mean to say, having PC McShagger thinking with his cock instead of his brain is almost as bad as the likes of stupid PC Simon Harwood beating that news vendor to death at the G20 protests on April 1st a couple of years ago. As I’ve always said, okay, it’s April Fools Day - go out and have a bit of fun but for Christ’s sake don’t get caught on camera.”
“Especially a damn two minute video clip of brutalizing a member of the stupid public by cracking them round the back of the legs with a telescopic steel baton so they crash head-first onto the pavement – and then have them drop dead only a few yards away from where they were clobbered – and the incident splashed all across YouTube for the whole world to see.”

Johnson, the Labour MP for East Cuckold, quit his job as shadow chancellor in January following news reports of his wife’s infidelities, which insiders claim were not connected to his marital problems but the fact he was blighted by waves of criticism concerning his mediocre grasp of the exchequer post’s more technical aspects – such as counting beyond ten when he ran out of fingers and being too embarrassed to take off his socks – and had confided to fellow MPs while stressed that he preferred his old job of delivering letters for the Royal Mail.

In her own defence, Mrs Laura ‘call me Pussycat’ Johnson, emerged from her house this morning looking strained after a night riding her sybian - and informed press hacks “Alan’s so fucking useless in bed – always reading the day’s Hansard to avoid slipping me one – and even when I give him a gobble he drops off to sleep.”

“My bloody maiden name might well have been ‘Patient’ but Alan was pushing the limits of it at times – and that’s where PC McShagger came in handy and proved his worth.”
“I mean to say, getting my rocks off with a Jolly Jackrabbit vibrator’s okay once in a while but we girls need the real thing too now and again. A nine inch stiffie up us and not that flaccid one-eyed trouser snake of Postman Pat’s.”

Thought for the day: Since the initial scandal hit the news headlines, PC McShagger was assigned to the security detail of Home Secretary Theresa May – who has, to date, refused to provide a straight answer to media reporters' questions if she too was making use of her bodyguard’s vaunted gigolo services – simply replying with an inscrutable sly smile and an artful wink.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.