Saturday, 5 November 2011

How to Have Rampant Sex in a Burkha

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Malaysian officials, in a customary display of their collective prudishness, have banned a controversial e-book 'Beneath the Burkha' that offers a thousand and one sex tips to Muslim women – and anyone else short on practical knowledge in the carnal arts.

Purported to be published by a covert group of nympho’s who operate under the enigmatic nom de guerre of ‘The Obedient Wives Club’ - a Kuala Lumpur-based underground BD/SM guild for bisexual women and ladyboys - the book has been written as a hands-on guide for sex-starved females to help them comprehend the joys of multi-orgasmic sex - and realise that taking it up the back passage is actually advocated in several of the Holy Qur’an’s Sutras - and participation in the dubious joys of sodomy wouldn’t condemn them to an afterlife in the fires of Jahannum (Hell) - getting porked by Iblis, the Devil.

While the actual, true authorship is suspected to be of frustrated male origins, promoting what they deem the erogenous duties of ‘Obedient Wives’ – their online blog posts and full manuscript publications - such as the 2010 best-selling Kindle edition publication ‘Dogging for Dummies’ - authored by a fictional Ms Fatima bin Humped, have been widely criticised for promoting polygamy and denigrating women.

The controversial club has previously raised the hackles of officialdom in KL by publishing online posts stating that women should act like second rate whores to prevent their husbands from having affairs with each other, pre-op’ Kai Tai’s, their mother-in-law, the neighbour’s Sumatran house girl – or a goat.

Obedient Wives is rumoured to be linked with al-Arqam, a breakaway religious sect founded by the fundamentalist Shi’te cleric, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, and banned in Malaysia since the 1990s for promoting the art of self-abuse through a circulated pamphlet titled ‘A Wank a Day Keeps the Doctor Away' – which advocated a plethora of alternatives to shagging females – such as having sex with a ripe pumpkin – make your own tight little hole and the inside’s just as juicy and without the smell of fish.

The Minister for Women's Affairs, Mingeeter Dildodo, informed one press hack from Slut’s Magazine that teaching Malaysian women to be more obedient to their husbands is giving the country and Muslims a bad name.
“This Obedient Wives Club is sermonising that domestic violence and prostitution can be cured by teaching wives to keep their men happy in the bedroom – just look at their ‘Up to the Nuts in a Slut’s Guts’ blog post advisory - but is turning our womenfolk into three hole suck and swallow whores and Allah doesn’t like that.”

Malaysia, from a personal and blinkered viewpoint, regards itself as a moderate Muslim nation, with a legion of women holding key positions in the government and commerce, such as Ministry of Justice spokeswoman Fellattia Goedermiche who informed media reporters “Anyone downloading this vile publication and found making copies of it for sale will be jailed for three hundred years under the tenets of Islamic law.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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