Saturday, 19 November 2011

Blatter Cops Honorary BNP Membership

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The 96-year old FIFA president Septic Bladder has, in a desperate bid of self-preservation, been forced to make a public apology, informing the media he was sorry for causing offence by calling a spade a ‘spade’ – even if it looked a bit like a shovel.

For Bladder, a former Swiss cuckoo clock inspector, who suffers from a chronic case of the ‘engage brain before opening gob’ faux pas syndrome, this isn’t a ‘first’ by any means. In 2004 he suggested the women’s soccer league split-arsed players wear 'tighter shorts’ (either ‘Pigeons Chest’ or ‘Camel Toe’ brands) to increase the popularity of the female version of the game.
Then last year he fucked up yet again in regal fashion, stating for the public record that gay fans going to the 2022 World Cup in Qatar (twelve years on?) where homosexuality is ‘currently’ illegal, should refrain from sexual activity with goats or ‘ragheads’.

Bladder’s current woes concerning his play-down ‘handshake’ comments over accusations that Chelsea captain John ‘Motormouth’ Terry racially abused QPR's Anton ‘Lucy’ Ferdinand have been aggravated more so than placated following the BNP’s chief racist Nick Griffin telling press hacks he personally supports Bladder’s remarks 100% and “Old Sepp’s definitely BNP material and is welcome to come along to any of our ‘Bash-a Paki’ rallies.”

As to the origins and source of this moronic and escalating ‘frying pan calling the kettle black arse’ controversy which is, thanks to the red top gutter press tabloids, manifesting all the makings of spinning out of control like Rwanda’s 1994 Hutu versus Tutsi genocidal massacre due the fact two bone-headed adults won’t go round the back of the pub car park and thump the living shit out of each other like normal blokes usually do.

Apparently Ferdinand shied away from the above suggestion of resolving the disagreement, fearing his £64,000 quid watch might get scratched in the fracas, informing one reporter from the Offside Review “All I did woz stick him wiv me elbow a couple of times cos he woz getting’ all pissed off wiv QPR being one goal up on ‘em an’ kept callin’ me ‘Lucy’ - cos me Mum an’ Dad cum from St Lucian – so I gives him another elbow in the head an’ he goes ballistic an’ spits the dummy an’ sez “Eff off, yer Peckham pikey twat” – an’ ter my mind that’s dead racist.”

QPR fans who witnessed Terry’s string of obscenities directed at Ferdinand – loosed in a fit of pique over being elbowed and then losing to a bunch of QPR kaffirs – and which apparently included a homophobic slur that referenced Ferdinand’s poofter habit of wearing panty hose on the pitch to keep his legs warm - are now being interviewed by both FA officials and Plod Squad officers with a view to banning Terry from the game and prosecuting him for racial abuse if evidence supports the allegations.

Heinous rumours abound in the gutter press that Terry has a past record of making racially-orientated remarks while in his cups - which include politically incorrect references to ‘rag-heads’, ‘darkies’, ‘nig-nogs’ ‘effin’ Pakis’ and ‘egg plants’ – all deemed by FA bosses to be forms of unacceptable terminology – especially when made in the saloon bar of Notting Hill’s Rastafarian Arms.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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