In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
News International chief Don Jamie Mudrock, appearing before a House of Conmans select committee investigating the phone hacking scandal at the now-defunct Sunday Shitraker, has vehemently rejected suggestions that the family’s sleaze-ridden media empire operates like the Mafia – a force above the law.
During a Spanish Inquisition style interrogation by MPs, Labour's holier-than-thou Tom ‘Three Chins’ Watson speculated that News International’s UK gutter press group had adopted the Mafiosi’s ‘omerta’ code of silence - bound together by secrecy just like the Roman Catholic paedo’ hierarchy and Aberdeen’s Freemason-infested kiddie fiddling establishment - covering each other’s guilty arses - and pursuing their criminal objectives with a total disregard for the laws of polite society.
It was at this point that Mudrock Junior spit the dummy and threatened to have Watson’s legs broken if he made any further scurrilous accusations comparing his father, Rupert, the Capo dei Capi patriarch of the News International crime syndicate, to a Mafia hoodlum or mentioned his connections to the Rothshite’s banksters and Zionist New World Order cabal – regardless of them being true.
After a short recess and snorting a couple of lines of Valium, Don Jamie informed the committee he was not aware that phone hacking went beyond one rogue reporter (Clive Badman) - and the two former Sunday Shitraker executives (editor Ron McScumm and legal manager Frank Scrote) had dealt him a character assassination coup de gras by foisting MPs with a catalogue of misleading evidence that fell under the legal definition of ‘perjury’ – colloquially referred to as 'passing the buck' and ‘a pack of lies’ - a factor resulting from dishonesty being a pre-requisite for employment as a journalist with News International.
In response to his denials of knowledge of the Sunday Shitraker’s free range hacking policy, Mudrock’s chief antagonist, MP Watson, then reeled off a list of further surveillance offences undertaken by sleuths from the Renta-Snoop Agency to follow and spy on members of the royal family, show biz’ celebrities, corporate executives – and political figures – including Mr Watson himself.
“Are you asking me to believe you never questioned these huge bills for private detectives? The Sunday Shitraker was employing more gumshoes than the KGB and the Stasi combined to spy on those deemed newsworthy targets."
"Here we have a Renta-Snoop invoice from 2008, billing for two weeks work following ‘the Plant Whisperer and Super-Troll’ around – obviously meaning Prince Chazzer and Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole - to find out if he was considering cosmetic surgery to have his bat ears stapled back.”
“Then there’s the instance of Prince Philip’s cellphone being hacked on five separate occasions for which we have records - to discover who he was texting with a few choice insults to pass the time of day – or made any mention of the hit team contracted to murder Princess Di’ and Dodod al Fayed in the Ponte de Alma tunnel.”
Was your phone hacked by the Sunday Shitraker? Were you followed by Renta-Snoop’s men in a trilby and long flasher’s mackintosh? Do you think Prince Chazzer’s ears need pinning back? Have you received any insulting texts from Prince Philip? Do you own a white Fiat Uno?
Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could be in line for a few zillion quid in compo’ from the News International Mafia.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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