Tuesday, 15 November 2011

MoD Plan ‘Battlefield West Ham’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The loopy Libservative Defence Secretary, Philip ‘Comb-over’ Hammond, after being in a dead man’s shoes for a mere couple of weeks, went into Walter Mitty meets Alice in Wonderland and Chicken Little mode yesterday, informing a horrified House of Conmans assembly that he intends to deploy batteries of ground-to-air missiles around the Greater London area to protect the 2012 Olympic Games stadium from Islamic terrorist attacks.

Hammond, the Tory MP for Runnynose and a person of limited intelligence who, according to his final school report: “Tries hard but lacks the ability to succeed in anything that requires mental effort” - was questioned on this intended action by the very man whose desk he now occupies – specifically the shamed and back bench-exiled Dr Liam Pox – supported via smart phone link to his trusty personal advisor, Adam ‘Dimples’ Qwerty.

The ex-Transport Secretary, fresh from the Ministry for Things with Wheels, replied to Pox’s query, clarifying that there would be a full level of multi-layered defence and deterrence for the London Games, including surface-to-air missiles deployed right across West Ham, insisting that all necessary measures would be taken to ensure the security of the Olympic Stadium, athletes and spectators.

PM Posh Dave Scameron’s government is close to agreeing a deal with Olympic organisers on how to accommodate the 11,000 head increase to the original number of security guards – with 21,000 knuckle draggers from the G4S Renta-Thug Agency now estimated as required to police the games – and are currently recruiting additional security staff in their ‘Bridging the Gap’ project from ex-Balkans military personnel whose names don’t yet show up on the International Human Rights Tribunal’s war crimes index – or the RSPCA’s wanted list of swan-roasting pikey poachers.

Conversely, the cost of furnishing security, last year budgeted by Locog at £282 zillion quid, has now trebled into the £££ billions bracket – an as-yet undisclosed highly embarrassing figure that accountants and banksters alike are referring to as ‘lots and lots of money’ – a shortfall which Chancellor Osborne is hoping to fund by further slashing the old age pensioners’ Winter Fuel Allowance down to £25 nicker.

Speaking to a gaggle of press hacks in the Anarchist Arms on Parliament Street following his speech, Hammond announced for the public record “The Yanks are going to send over at least 500 trigger-happy gung-ho agents from the FBI to look after their athletes – so I’m planning on tasking 22 SAS with the job of protecting our Olympic team and sniffing out any dodgy Muslim types wearing Semtex waistcoats. Then if the Jolly Jihad terrorist group’s leader, this Mohammed al Ka-Boom bloke, shows up we’ll be ready for him.”

“And just wait ‘til you see the shock on the faces of Al Qaeda’s Flying Carpet Squadron suicide pilots, zeroing in on West Ham’s Olympic Stadium when our Army lads loose a barrage of Starstreak or Javelin missiles at them.”

Question of the day: Where do the Tories get these morons? Do they fall out of trees? Escape from loony bins? Get exiled here from the Planet Niburu? Are they rejects from X-Factor auditions? Left-over Orcs from Lord of the Rings film sets?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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