UK to Criminalise ‘Effin & Blindin’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A High Court judge, Mr Justice Bean, has ruled that common herd peasants should no longer be penalised for hurling profane obscenities at each other (or traffic wardens and the community enforcement clots from the Renta-Moron Agency) in public as such words are now part and parcel of the Children’s Hour television vocabulary - with the likes of Trumpton’s Captain Flack calling his fire brigade crew a bunch of lazy-arsed Bolshie bastards for going on strike - and as such expletives no longer cause distress, hence logically their utterance cannot be classed as a criminal offence.

Or so, at least, it would appear after Mr Justice Bean upheld the appeal of an Albanian pikey swan poacher who was convicted for repeatedly using some very naughty words (motherfuckin’ shitbags) while being searched for feathers and associated wildfowl DNA by a brace of Plod Squad thugs. The judge ruled that officers heard the expletive term in question directed at them all too frequently to have their seasoned sensibilities offended by it.

Justice Bean’s innovative decision, which has been strongly criticised by the Police Federation and local authorities as it’s one less offence they can impose an £80 quid spot fine for – comes on the heels of a protracted disagreement over guidance issued by the Metropolitan Police, which advised that the courts were unlikely to rule that plods would be caused distress by most swearwords as the more enlightened of their rank and file have become inured and reconciled to the fact they are precisely what the public perceive them to be – and refer to them as: a bunch of cunts - in a cunt's uniform.

Conversely, London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has called for the Met’s advisory to be revoked - and the Home Office, in conjunction with the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and the Department of What Can We Fuck With Next scheduled to hold a consultation into Section Five of Part 1 of the Public Order Act 1986, which has previously been applied to prosecute those who swore at plods, with a view to re-criminalising public swearing on the streets of Broken Britain.

While defenders of the use of profane language to get the message across may well cite their centuries-old right of free speech, the laws against public profanity do have a long tradition in our once-sceptred isle.
In 1601 the ‘Effing & Blinding Bill’ was introduced to the House of Conmans, but failed to attract enough support from foul-mouthed MPs – though in 1623 an amended act was passed against swearing, which the morose Puritans enforced with vigour – and threats of offenders having their tongues cut out or branded with a hot iron – (apparently a lot more painful than being branded with a cold iron).

However, the abolition of censorship in the 1960s – along with homosexuality being a criminal offence - gave free expression to many words and phrases which previously had been deeply taboo – such as shirt-lifter, faggot, fudger, turd burglar, cock-sucker, brown-hatter, kiddie fiddler, rug muncher – and oicks.

At the other end of the social scale, the British Tourettes Society spokesman Jack McSkanger told one press hack from the Expletives Gazette “Things is a bit better these days wiv all this Equal Rights an’ Opportunities legislation bullshit cos at least yer can go round wiv a ‘Tourettes Syndrome Approchin’ – Watch Yer Effin’ Ears!’ t-shirt on an’ swear yer fuckin’ head off an’ no fucker or their dog gives a shit – whereas years ago, you woz just branded a foul-mouthed cunt.”

“So all this bollocks wot Bonkers Boris is after pullin’ - makin’ it a crime ter loose off a few choice obscene swearwords or a string of four-letter cusses at the police is only gonna get people cursin’ even more. Especially wiv all these Occupy 99% protests goin’ on - wot does anyone expect tryin’ ter talk sense ter these fuckin’ moronic plods wot’s bin brainwashed – it’s like trying ter shove butter up a porcupine’s arse wiv a red hot knitting needle.”

“Then we gotta think wot the deal’s gonna be fer us fuckers wot’s sufferin’ from Tourettes, eh. Wot the fuck happens if this barmy law of Boris’s gets enacted? Wot’s gonna be the deal wiv these plastic PCSOs an’ Community Enforcement cretins around London? Are they gonna demand that yer wash yer mouth out wiv a lump of dogshit an’ try an’ fine yer £80 nicker?”
"They’re gonna cop fer our stock answer fer officious little twats - “Go fuck spiders” – an that’s got sweet FA ter do wiv shagging arachnids, now has it, eh.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.