Vatican Slammed in Porn Publishing Scandal

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A shocking report in this week’s edition of the iconoclastic Heretic’s Gazette reveals that the vast German ‘Weltbild’ publishing conglomerate – wholly owned by the notorious Vatican Corporation SA - carries in its website lists an assortment of erotica and pure filth exceeding 2,500 works, with unmistakably lewd titles such as ‘Nympho Nuns’, ‘Dogging Delights for Seminarians’, ‘Sister Gamarouche in the Confessional’, ‘The Joys of Necrophilia’, ‘Snowballing Scandals at St Sappho’s Novitiate’ and ‘Father Fudger Rides Again’ - to name but a sampling.

The Weltbild website also prominently displays the titles' lascivious dust jackets that feature colour photographs of scantily clad choirboys, coerced into cross-dressing and wearing high heels and crotchless panties - performing suck and swallow oral penances on their confessor priest as a substitute for reciting a litany of Hail Mary’s.

However, Father Scattarotti, the official spokesman for the Holy See in Rome responded with a statement claiming that "This is a scandalous propaganda cyber hacking attack by militarist fundamental Pastafarians on the good name of the Catholic Church. Last year it was the Pancake Tuesday Adventists slandering the Jesuits by branding them the ‘Vatican’s Men in Black’ – now we have this ignominious smear to deal with alongside the latest batch of kiddie fiddling revelations.”

Conversely Mingeeter Dildodo, an ex-nun herself and now editor of the adults only Catholic magazine ‘Cassocks’, dismissed the clerics' reaction as grossly hypocritical - alleging that the pornography scandal at the Vatican’s Weltbild Publishing had been going on for decades - and with the Church's full knowledge.

Ms Dildodo claimed that in 2008 a group of concerned Catholics – ‘Killjoys for Christ’ - had forwarded a 70-page document to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly the Office of the Inquisition) in Rome containing irrefutable evidence that Weltbild were publishing books that promoted all manner of vile BD/SM perversions that ranged from Analingus to Pig Roast to Zoophilia – plus texts promoting the practices of black magic, witchcraft, Satanism and DIY human sacrifices.

The moralist group demanded that the Vatican either withdraw the titles – or market them in plain brown paper dust jackets – as per the practice expedited for the inconspicuous postal delivery of sex toys.

In reply to the accusations, the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Bishop Guido ‘Donkey Punch’ Buggerotti, confided to one press hack from the Blasphemer’s Review “Yer gotta understand, it’s all down ter the flow of the commercial market and the simple fact we have ter make a profit somehow cos the offertory plates just ain’t rakin’ the akkers in anymore – an’ porno definitely sells better than Bibles and hymn books – but if yer quote me on that fact I’ll have a couple of our Mafia enforcers come round an’ break both yer fuckin’ legs an’ stamp on yer scrotum.”

Doubtless the agnostic and atheist anti-religionist ranks of Catholic critics will recall with clarity the hypocritical denunciation last year by Pope Benny, the German built-to-last Mk XVI Papal model, of the publication by Onanist Books of the best-selling ‘Nightmare at St Sodom’s’ – a dramatised history of the 12th Century Catholic missionary and founder of the St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites in Jerusalem – who, for his carnal sins of kiddie fiddling and beastiality, was anally-impaled on three-metre high cedarwood dildo by the crusading knights of St Tadger the Chaste.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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