Strictly Come Bonking Slammed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

More than 300,000 outraged viewers out of the regular 11:5 million have complained to the BBC concerning last Saturday's Halloween Special edition of Strictly Come Dancing, hosted by centenarian Sir Brooce Falseteeth - claiming the performances were sexually provocative and far too raunchy for family viewing.

The Beeb’s complaints department head, Ms Beverly Titwank, informed one press hack from the Scandalmongers Gazette that thousands of prudish morons had either phoned in, sent text messages or e-mailed to complain about footballer Robbie Savage's hip-thrusting performance, while wearing Spanish matador style spray-on pants and set to the beat of the Michael Jackson hit MTV release single ‘Knee Trembler’.

Conversely, Ms Titwank added that the entire BBC switchboard was ‘utter chaos’ for the entire night – and further jammed with calls from females aged 16 to 96 – and too a legion of raving gay fans – pleading to be given Savage’s cellphone number – and leaving the GPS map references for their local Doggers Wood locations – plus an actual postal address from the Sisters of St Sappho Convent at Shagborough-on-Sea.

People commenting on the show's blog site labelled it "fuckin’ disgustin’" and "a tasteless pile of shite" - but the BBC defended Savage, stating his routine simply emulated Jackson's famous dance moves and "Well, at least he didn’t pull his cock out".

One Smegmadale viewer posted: "Robbie Savage's routine was completely out of place on a family show. Granny got all hot an’ bothered an’ went totally squirly - kicked her slippers off then gyrated her pelvis like a Turkish belly dancer until she dropped this monstrous fart and had a follow-through – very nasty indeed as she’d bin constipated fer two weeks - then her pacemaker overheated and she suffered a coronary. Really, this week’s show woz more like Strictly Come Bonkin’.”

In support of Savage’s erotic performance with partner Fellattia van der Gamm, a furious wave of complaints were received regarding the low scores dished out by the show's token Antipodean panel judge Craig Revel Horwood – aka Mr Obnoxious.

Mrs Candida McSkanger of Muffers Clough e-mailed “Me an’ me girl-friends are sick of this arrogant little Ozzie drag queen poofter doling out crap scores for really good performances. Robbie’s our absolute favourite and this bleedin’ Horwood faggot’s so effin’ talented himself he ended up playin’ the part of the evil Queen in Snow Shite and the Seven Gay Dwarves in Llandudno two Christmases ago. Now how fuckin’ sad is that? Wot an effin’ loser ter be judgin’ anyone’s artistic performance.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.