Wednesday, 2 November 2011

UK’s Moronic Fines Policy = Catch 22

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A joint study conducted on the explicit instructions of Libservative PM Posh Dave Scameron by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - in conjunction with Whitehall’s Department for What Can We Fuck With Next - has concluded that to boost the Exchequer’s revenue by fair means or foul, the current maximum fine deduction of £5 quid from a welfare claimant’s benefit giro if they break the law is set to be hiked by a preposterous 500% to £25 nicker per week.

This latest crackdown on British benefit claimants - whose lame excuse for being unemployed is the fact there are no jobs - is to take effect in 2013 with the government's introduction of Universal Credit – an innovative scheme understood by no one, yet designed to slash the county's £200 zillion quid-a-year welfare bill to sweet fuck all in order to further finance the government’s illegal wars of aggression on hapless Third World shitholes – and fund the means to combat the nefarious plots of UK-based Muslim terrorists who hate everyone’s democratic freedoms to such a degree they’re prepared to blow themselves sky-high with a backpack full of bleach, brake fluid, Marmite, black pepper, peroxide and whatever else might go Ka-Boom when mixed together in a pair of old underpants.

Under the current ‘common sense’ system, welfare claimants who are penalised with court fines for acts of scallyism are subjected to a £5 quid per week deduction from their sole benefits income.

Conversely Labour MP Anne Bogg, chair of the House of Conmans works and pensions committee, commented to the media that taking too much benefit from individuals who were already poor meant leaving them destitute and struggling – hence they would be left with no option but resort to crime to feed themselves.

“My biggest fear is that this moronic plan will leave people stoney broke as twenty-five nicker is a huge chunk to deduct. Doubtless the stupid pillocks who’ve come up with this scheme haven’t considered the fact that part of the reason so many people default is that they struggle to pay the fines in the first place."

These 20/20 hindsight words of wisdom were borne out perfectly in the case of Ms Candida McScrote, an unemployed 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate – recently collared for shoplifting baby formula from a local Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket branch to feed her rugrat and fined £50 quid by Scumshawe magistrate’s court.

Candida opined to one reporter from the Skangers Gazette “So who the fuck in government’s thinkin’ this shit up – Wallace an’ effin’ Gromet – or Wiley T. Coyote?”
“I woz nickin’ food ter feed me effin’ kids cos the effin’ welfare money’s not enough – so they’re gonna deduct the fine from me welfare benefits wot’s not enough already then I gotta go out nickin’ food again – an’ get caught an’ cop another effin’ fine - or get on the streets an’ start floggin’ me golly for a fiver a fuck.”

“Welfare effin’ state my arse – yer would be better off wiv Labour back in power an’ get shut of these arrogant elitist public school scumbags in the effin’ cabinet wot’s all millionaires an’ don’t give a flyin’ fuck about us.”
“I’ll tell yer wot – come me eighteeenth birthday then I won’t be votin’ fer any of these Tory or Lib-Dum shitbags.”

Thought for the day. In response to Scameron’s latest moronic decree and applying a thick helping of their customary hypocrisy, New Labour spokeswoman Beverly Titwank informed one press hack from the Tosspots Review that the party would enthusiastically support tougher consequences for villains – especially those targeting ex-PM Tony Bliar for his catalogue of war crimes against humanity.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Tony said...

These arseholes keep coming up with more stupid ideas every week. Fucks sake mate I thought Labour were bad but this lot are a fucking nightmare. Christ knows where we'll be nearly 4 years from now come the next election.

Rusty of said...

Where? - up shitcreek without a paddle - and no fucker or their dog still around with the required skills to carve a couple.