Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Naked Chef Slams Academy School Pigswill

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jumping Jamie Oliver, TV’s ‘Naked Chef’ - (now in the habit of wearing a pair of asbestos underpants and trainers around the stove since slopping a bowl of scalding gravy on his bollocks and bare feet) - interviewed this week on the BBC’s Soup Kitchen Hour programme - has accused the Libservative Coalition’s Education Secretary Michael ‘Wingnut Head’ Gove of being responsible for the erosion of the healthy school food standards which Oliver personally laboured for so long and hard to establish as a nutritional benchmark.

Gove, a member of Posh Dave Scameron’s zillionaire cabinet and the MP for Fiddlesticks, is viewed by the voting public as yet another of the Tory Party’s slack-jawed, chinless wonders who knows as much about ‘running a school’ as the NATO pilots who spend most of their time dropping bombs on the same institutions in Afghanistan – and Pakistan – and Libya – and anywhere else currently on the Great Satan's ZioNazi shit list.

Speaking to media reporters over a pint in the Swan Roasters Arms on London’s Pikey Lane, Oliver spit the proverbial dummy in his criticism of Gove’s stewardship of Broken Britain’s schools and inability to maintain the required legal standards for meals.
“The bloke’s an utter dog wanker in my opinion. So wot the fuck does he know about education for an effin’ start? Fuck all, right – he’s an ex-gutter press hack an’ bat-eared Pob impersonator.”

“Just go down yer local Asbo Central Academy an’ see what the fuck they’re serving up for the kid’s lunches. Genetically-modified poisons, full of deep fried crap fats, plus Monsanto’s effin’ Frankenfoods – an’ all with added neurotoxin MSG and aspartame an’ Christ knows what else. And what’s worse is the fact these catering suppliers are back loading their vending machines with crap fizzy soft drinks, bags of GMO crisps that have never seen a tater - and sugar-loaded candy bars.”

“These twats are not providing healthy, balanced meals that meet the current nutritional standards. I ain’t joking, this slop wouldn’t get fed to my pigs.”
“Here yer got this dildo Gove, the mouthpiece for the government on education policy, who makes the moronic statement that he trusts the new academy schools to act in the pupils' best interests. Yeah right – trusting a commercial ‘run for profit’ enterprise, my arse – that’s like trusting Wiley T. Coyote to run an effin’ chicken farm.”

Conversely, caterers claim that a majority of England's academy schools - which do not have to abide by the healthy food standards regulations - are asking for what Oliver terms ‘unhealthy food" as they can’t achieve their sugars and carb’ addiction hits on a diet of steamed veggies, salads and fresh fruits.

14-year old Baz McSkanger, a pupil at St Scally’s Academy for Latter Day Scrotes, told one reporter from the Pigswill Gazette “So Jamie Oliver’s menu’s okay if yer wanna be fit an’ all that an’ be an athlete an’ get inter the Olympics, but we perform best on a diet of greasy burgers, fries an’ cola. I woz a cuddly 175 pounds fat slob before Oliver came along wiv this healthy diet shit – now look at me – withered away ter a mere 130 pounds wet through wiv me socks on. I’m like a reject from Belsen an’ yer can hear me ribs rattlin’ – an me bitch don’t like that. That’s why I’m back on the junk food.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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