UK Coerced into Iran Pre-Emptive Strike

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s Department of Defence appears to be a muddled ‘chaos in motion’ mess since the moronic Philip Hammond stepped into the shoes of the ostracised Dr Liam Pox – so recently exiled to the draughty back benches of the House of Conmans for his sins – hence the Ministry no longer being blessed with the guiding hand of special advisor Adam Qwerty concerning Mid-East military strategies.

The gospel according to embedded whistle-blowing moles at the MoD, revealed in a batch of top secret communications leaked to Ox-Rat - the international snitch and grassers government abuse watchdog charity - Minister Hammond this week received a phone call from Barky O’Barmy, the Kenyan cuckoo currently posing as an American President, citing a request from the Rothshite crime syndicate’s HQ in Tel Aviv for Britain's armed forces to step up their contingency planning for potential military action against Iran amid mounting concern over Tehran's nuclear enrichment programme being accelerated after de-bugging their centrifuges of the CIA / Mossad generated Stuxnet virus.

In anticipation of such a fatally-flawed pre-emptive attack, British military strategists are currently burning the midnight oil 24/7, examining where best to deploy Royal Navy ships and submarines equipped with Tomahawk cruise missiles over the coming months as part of what will manifest as an air and sea campaign.

To date, so as not to risk their fleet being besieged inside the Persian Gulf when Iran kicks off in retaliation and seal the Straits of Hormuz with acoustic mines and sub-sea torpedo banks, then commence a fish-in-the-barrel target practice exercise, the MoD has decided to relocate all naval vessels to the North Sea, well out of range of Iranian military ordnance and their Shaheed speedboat suicide bombers.

MoD Secretary Hammond spoke to one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette, explaining that “It’s all-right for the bloody Yanks - they’re got lots of cruise missiles and things like that stockpiled and want to drop them all on Iran while the going’s good and everyone’s in a belligerent mood still. But we’ve got none left after blasting the shit out of Libya.”

“Really, we have a job here to keep pace with the output of their black propaganda machine. One minute the IAEA claim the Iranians have no facilities for nuclear weapons production. Next things the Israelis and Yanks are screaming that Tehran’s ready to supply nukes to Hezbollah and Hamas – and that’s going to make an utter bollocks of Israel’s military hegemony in the Middle East when it can no longer play the bully with impunity and attack Lebanon and Gaza and those freedom flotilla things whenever a homicidal mood takes them.”

“To tell the truth, I’m starting to think I was better off at the Ministry of Transport – the worse thing that happened in a week there was some silly sod at RattleTrack never put any WD40 on the points and a train got a bit derailed.”

In response to the implied joint military threats from the US, Israel and Britain, the Iranian Defence Minister Mohammed al Ka-Boom informed a reporter from the Wasteland Review that “They think to scare us with their sabre-rattling pantomimes. Let a single bomb or missile fall in our backyard then see our reaction – for any military action taken against our sovereign state by the belligerent Zionist forces will be fraught with the direst of consequences for all concerned.”
“Our agents are all in place and just awaiting this threatened first strike option the Zionist belligerents are always trying to justify – then they shall experience the wrath of our jihad as every infidel involved will be cursed with a fatwa on their heathen heads.”

“The Great Satan’s Fifth Fleet is in Bahrain – and there it will stay – on the bottom in Davy Jones’ locker when our muhijadeen are finished. Let them send more warships, we shall blockade the Straits of Hormuz and turn the Gulf region into a living hell for them with no escape. Not one drop of oil will leave the Gulf – and every well will be sabotaged and set ablaze.”
“They now expand their military ties with this venal Gulf Co-operation Council of running dogs in readiness for their sneak attack – the Zionist-corrupted regimes of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Bahrain, Qatar, the UAE and Oman. These scumbags are traitors to Islam and we shall burn them all. Insha’Allah - Allahu Akubar.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.