Monday, 28 November 2011

Mad Cow Goes Bonkers

A brown cow has been shot dead by the local Plod Squad’s Armed Response Unit after it escaped from a cattle market and ran amok, galloping up and down dreary Darlington’s High Street while totally ignoring traffic lights – with police officials fearing it might attempt to jump over the moon in its visibly agitated - and perhaps drugged state.

The animal, from the stock from Monsanto’s Teesside GMO research facility, is believed to have be suffering from a growth hormone imbalance – or an acute case of Mad Cow Disease, and was one of a group of animals who tunnelled out of their holding pen this morning - along with several pigs and a flock of sheep, prior to the start of the Darlington Auction Market.

However, thanks to swift police action in applying their ‘Zero Tolerance’ approach to anti-unsocial behaviour and deploying snipers to kill the animal, no-one was hurt during the incident – apart from the cow.

Darlington Plod Squad spokeswoman WPC Bev Titwank informed press hacks that “When the cow played its master card and ran into the china shop, we knew the situation would become a Mexican standoff.”
“We brought in our chief siege negotiator and a local dairy farmer to try and convince the intellectually-challenged animal to co-operate and but to no avail
- which is typical of bovine stubbornness.”

“The Independent Police Coverups Commission has been informed of our actions and the fact a handgun was recovered from the scene – on which our forensics team discovered the cow’ hoof prints.”

STOP PRESS: Prime GM beef – all cuts / fresh today – Darlington Plod Squad car park. Cash only – no cards.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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