Sunday, 20 November 2011

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Britain's cheapest lunchtime meal was unveiled yesterday by a bunch of moronic scientists at the Royal Society of Chemistry - the toast sandwich.

Having fuck all better to do with their time, Dr Beverly Titwank informed a press hack from the Dog Wankers Gazette that the RSC is intent reviving Mrs Beeton’s iconic Victorian ‘Beggar’s Menu’ dish, which – ‘surprise surprise’ - consists of two rounds of bread with a slice of toast in the middle.

Apparently consumed by their own shit-for-brains arrogance, the RSC’s anoraks and beardies are so confident this ‘recipe’ constitutes the cheapest lunch snack this side of the Hindu Kush that staff are sticking their necks out by offering £200 quid to any bright spark who can create a cheaper alternative.

Hmmm, easy – slash the calories and leave the toast out of the middle.

The number of ‘ethnic minority’ pupils in England's secondary schools is increasing at a geometric rate – rising 57% since 2001 – with senior civil servant Arthur Fuctifino at the Ministry of Education revealing that government officials are stumped on how to deal with this brown and black head count phenomenon resulting from Empire’s day immigration and right of domain.

Once again, easy peasy – reclassify them as the ‘Ethnic Majority’.

Okay, what bonkers prat escaped from the nut house and got a job with the EUSSR’s Department for Wasting Time & Money in Brussels - conducting a three-year study resulting in the release of a damning report this week that concludes no evidence exists to prove that water (good old H2O) prevents dehydration.

The study’s invigilators have thus concluded that the research results – which are totally at odds with both science and common sense – must apply to truth in advertising statutes and henceforth producers of bottled water are now forbidden by law from making such false claims concerning the liquid - and will face a two-year jail sentence if they defy the edict - which also comes into force across Broken Britain next month.

Nigel Barrage, the UKIP leader and ultra-Eurosceptic MEP, informed one press hack from the Morons Gazette that “If there’s ever been an instance which clearly demonstrates the ingrained folly of the fatally-flawed great European project then this is it - stupidity writ large - denying what is patently true and known to every desert-dwelling Bedouin kiddie that’s had to earn his pocket money by taking the goats down to the local oasis. Really, what’s going to come next – a law against claiming that water makes you wet?”

Enterprising Notting Hill drug dealer, Rasta Wormhole Jaffacake, was arrested outside Scumborough Hamlets Primary School this morning for offering pupils buying a bag of weed for a lunchtime ‘smoke n get stoned’ session the chance to try out a couple of lines of his finest uncut Columbian snort – which he described as an offer ‘not to be sneezed at'.

The ubiquitous Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket chain - maintaining their moronic ‘soundbite’ maxim of ‘Every Little Helps’ – are now offering a free bog roll with every Salmonella Bros microwave-ready insta-slop Jalfrezi curry – loaded with extra laxatives in every arse-scorching slurp.

Astro-scientists from Smegmadale University’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, who’ve spent the past ten years studying the solar system, claim they’ve found evidence of water ‘out there’ - just beneath the surface of Jupiter's icy moon, Europa - and liquid water could represent a potential habitat for living organisms – such as amoebic dysentery microbes and cholera.

Jupiter – not exactly round the corner is it? They don’t have to look that far – just point the telescopes at Thailand – as flood-invested Bangkok are bollocks-deep right now and have more water than they need right now, thank you.

Benetton, traditionally marketed more as a prestigious designer Italian clothing company than a political propaganda machine, has pulled an ad displaying Pope Benny Ratflinger, the German built to last Mk XVI model, kissing Imam Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, a senior Egyptian Islamic cleric at the al-Azhar mosque in Cairo, following a barrage of complains and protests from the Vatican – plus threats of a personal visit from the Inquisition.

The ad, with its doctored image, was part of a global advertising campaign that consisted of photo montages of political and religious leaders smooching – which seems to have fallen flat on its arse.

Other images that caused offence featured the Kenyan cuckoo US President Barky O’Barmy deep-throating Chinese President Hu Jintao, and the mini-troll French President Nicky Sarkozy snogging Kraut leader Angela Merkel – after which she turned into a frog.

Vatican spokesman Cardinal Grafto Corruptioni, speaking to press hacks outside St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites, branded the Benetton ad as absolutely unacceptable - using the image of the Pontiff – God’s Vicar on Earth, no less – to be manipulated and exploited in a publicity campaign with commercial ends.

"This is a grave lack of respect for Pope Benny – kissing another man – and a scumbag Muslim at that – thus implying he’s a raving faggot. If we haven’t got enough troubles with scandals over all these kiddie-fiddling priests, now we have Benetton implying the Pope’s a poofter too.”

The latest from the Rumour Mill Gazette claims that the Bilderberger reptilian shape shifters have been staging decoy gatherings to avoid the gaze and protests of anti-globalists – with the most recent, held at the luxurious Suvretta House Hotel in St Moritz, being a red herring, attended by the elitist’s ‘lesser mortals’ gopher staff – while the top brass gathered sub rosa in the back room of an Aberdeen chippy.

While the 2012 Bilderberger’s’ has been, for the benefit of conspiracy theorists, surreptitiously leaked as being held on the orbiting International Space Station – currently being upgraded to the 5-star category – and finally fitted with a functioning flush crapper - the actual conclave will take place at Butlins holiday camp in Bognor Regis.

Posh Dave Scameron’s moronic attempt to impersonate Australian Prime Minister Julia ‘Gidday’ Gillard’s Ozzie accent during his speech at the Lord Mayor's Banquet in London on Tuesday night has been candidly described as "so fucking bad it might well cause more than a diplomatic row and result in a declaration of war".

Scameron, the type of oick you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise – fielded a pathetic attempt to mimic Gillard’s distinctive Welsh-Adelaide twang - with the Sydney Morning Shitraker labelling the impersonation as “a bizarre display of idiocy by a real upper class dingbat. Is this public school ponce trying to take the piss or what?

So, Rory Bremner, relax, you’re job’s safe.

Meanwhile, Barky O’Barmy, the US cuckoo President, is down-under right now, hot on Posh Dave's heels and practicing his Ozzie accent – easy for a mimic who’s mastered Kenyan, Indonesian and Hawaiian already. Barky’s there on the orders of his main handler Zbigniew Brzezinski, chatting PM Gillard up to let the good ole US of A station a few thousand moronic Marines from the 82nd Cannon Fodder Regiment and 21st Body Bag Brigade, set and ready for when the planned conflict with the Peoples Utopian Republic of China kicks off.

And now, for the biggest laugh of the week, a classical faux pas and piece of give-away from the septic lips of Lorna Fitzsimons, the ginger-mingin CEO of the pro-Zionist lobbying firm, the Britain-Israel Communications and Research Centre, who is still managing ‘damage control’ efforts concerning leaks by whistle-blowing snitches that BICOM maintains a policy of influencing BBC and Sky news editors to play down any and all critical narratives concerning stories on human rights abuses by Israel’s ZioNazi regime.

Fitzsimons, a former House of Conmans Labour MP, suffering from delusions of her own importance in the greater scheme of geo-political affairs, stated that “Public opinion does not influence foreign policy in Britain. Foreign policy is an elite issue beyond the intellectual scope of the common sheeple.”

Hmmm, and quite correct too. We have three major political parties: Labour, Lib-Dum and Conservative / Tory – all of which are headed by pro-Zionist elitists and have their own Friends of Israel Clubs.

Regardless that the consensus of Broken Britain’s public opinion might well be dead set against Israel’s human rights and wrongs record vis-a-vis their constant abuse of the disenfranchised Palestinian population of ‘Palestine’ (now renamed ‘Israel’) - as demonstrated by the wide-spread adoption of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions campaign – the UK’s elected government ignores such condemnations by whingeing moralists and instead recently passed legislation to curb the reach and potency of the Universal Jurisdiction Law by introducing the bizarrely titled ‘Police Reform and Social Responsibility Bill’ – bestowed with Royal Assent to become law on the 15th September 2011 – which now indemnifies Israeli war criminals from arrest and prosecution when they visit Britain.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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