Friday, 1 October 2010

Ripoff Rail Fine for Early Detraining

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ms Bev Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three, had dug deep into her fortnightly welfare benefit cash to purchase advance first-class single tickets from Ripoff Rail to cover her triangular drug dealing journey from Smegmadale to Kuntsford, then on to Slagborough, and then back to Smegmadale with a stash of snort and smoke.

However, when she decided to get off the train at Pond Scum Hamlets, one stop before her own Smegmadale Station, to visit her Mum, and tried to leave the station, the automatic barrier refused to let her pass – with station staff informing her the ticket was invalid because she’d got off the train too early.

When Ms Titwank remonstrated with office staff that she had actually paid for the full travel distance and was getting off before her destination, so was not incurring further costs for the train company, she was cornered by the Ripoff Rail Renta-Thug security operatives - Arthur Jobsworth and his assistant Frank Fuctifino – who ordered her to pay a £155 quid fine for violating the terms and conditions of her ticket and getting off the train one station before the destination marked.

Titwank told a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that “Any fucker or their effin’ dog wiv two braincells ter rub together would sorta get the message that yer might well be liable ter pay extra if yer stayed on the effin’ train too long – but when yer gets yer arse off early yer aren't even usin’ all of the product’s entitlement that yer paid for. But ‘oh no’, yer can’t get that through the thick skulls of those two Ripoff Rail security twats. Wot a pair of knobheads.”

Fellattia van der Gamm, a spokeswoman for the state-run Ripoff Rail train company, informed the media that ticketing regulations meant Ms Titwank – or any other passenger - could get off only at the stop they had paid for - and nowhere else - even if they had a heart attack or a stroke – or even more likely – a fatal allergic reaction to the indigestible crap served in the buffet car - and had to be ambulanced out.
"The terms and conditions of the advance purchase first-class ticket - the ticket which Ms Titwank had used for her journey - clearly state that breaking a journey en route, or starting from an intermediate station, is not permitted.”

Ripoff Rail further insisted that contemporary operators RattleTrack, Nitwork Rail and First Crapital Connect imposed similar penalties and the policy was standard across the entire train industry – much the same as the practices of blackmail and extortion are among the ranks of the criminal fraternity.

A similar horror story which again carries no PR kudos for the train travel industry is that of Poxford ‘Black Magic’ graduate students Mingeeta Muffitch, and her broomstick-toting ‘companion’ Sapphie Goedermiche, travelling to Offa’s Dyke on Dildo Rail earlier this month when both were stricken with a bout of ballistic diarrhoea after eating Guesswhat Salad sandwiches purchased from the buffet car.

As no toilet provisions were made in the carriages due the journey being less than one hour duration, both ladies exited stage left at the next stop – three short of their ticketed destination – and vented the wrath of railway buffet food in the station toilets, then after bunging themselves up for further travel with rectally-applied tampax, decided to catch a bus on to Offa’s Dyke.

However, as in the case of Bev Titwank, when they came to exit Crapperton-on-the-Wold Station, both were informed they were in breach of the conditions of their £6 quid discounted single tickets and fined double the standard fare of £28.50 each - a whopping £57 nicker apiece.

Apparently rumours circulating the warlock camps indicate that Dildo Rail copped for being smitten with some big-time curses at the girl’s recent Autumn Equinox Satanic Witchiepoo coven get-together.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Mussolini might well have been a fascist dictator but he got the trains running on time – and allowed people to get off where the fuck they wanted to.

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