Princess Slutty Trashes Beemer

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The 22-year-old spoiled brat youngest daughter of Prince Andrew and the Fergie Beast, the scandalous Duchess of Pork, was driving her £20,000 Beemer round Hyde Park Corner on Monday afternoon in a typical royal hare-brained manner, when it got sandwiched between a tourist coach and a bus – much to the entertainment and hilarious mirth of pedestrian passers-by and foreign tourists.

Although the car, as a result of the fender bender, is now thought to be what insurance assessors technically term as ‘fucked’, the fifth in line to the throne and her bodyguard, Sgt Frank Thugg, who was in the passenger seat minding the royal handbag, walked away from the accident unscathed – disregarding the brown stain down the back of her minder’s trousers.

A back-up car was on the scene in minutes and delivered Princess Slutty to Goldshits College, part of the University of London, where she is into her third and final year studying for her BA’s in ‘Hedonistic Waste’ and ‘Ostentatious Squandering’.

While Sgt. Thugg took care of pistol-whipping the drivers of the tourist coach and bendy bus for having the audacity to encroach on the Princess’s ‘Royal Space’, an on-the-scene Scotland Yard spokeswoman, PC Beverly Titwank, emphasised how important the young royal’s police protection is.
“It could have been a very difficult situation if Princess Slutty had been alone and someone had taken advantage of the chaos – such as one of Mayor Boris Nonsense’s Community Enforcement clots who didn’t recognise the princess and tried to blame her for the accident or charged her with driving without due care and attention.”

Despite reports that police protection for Slutty and her 20-year-old sister, the Princess Nymphella - a student at Slaggford University - is to be scaled back, they are still being minded at an estimated cost of £250,000 a year – each - quite an expense when one has to consider the fact that as a pair - or individually - both are a worthless couple of slappers sponging off the taxpayer, alike the rest of the rabid royals – proffering wet fish handshakes when opening garden fetes and not much else.

The bent-up Beemer was a replacement for a similar model given as a 17th birthday gift by her father Prince Andrew, the Duke of Pork – complete with personalised registration plate: Slutty 1.
The original was stolen in broad daylight when it was left unlocked with the keys in the ignition after the numpty princess suffered one of her habitual ‘blonde moments’ and, due being too stupid to work a remote locking device, parked it in the middle of Bond Street while she went off shopping in January last year.

The ginger-mingin’ princess - whose hair colour once prompted grand-father Prince Philip to remark “Not another of Hewitt’s ranga cuckoo bastards is she?” – is definitely of inbred Saxe-Coburg-Gotha stock – easily identified by her pissholes-in-the-snow bullfrog eyes and slack-gob gormless stare – plus that congenital prognathous jaw coupled with her generally fucked-up dentistry, which have equipped her to eat pomegranates through a chicken wire fence. A total hybrid mutant.

Conversely, during an interview with a reporter from the gutter press Daily Shitraker red top tabloid, the horse-faced Slutty confided that she simply wanted to be like all the other upper class girls in her Grandmother’s kingdom and make her own fortune from influence peddling – just like her lard-arsed mother.

As if to demonstrate this ‘no different’ façade, the moronic Princess let the proverbial cat out of the bag when she admitted to having her first ‘fuck’ at 13, during a typical Second Estate coming-out party composed of Horray Henry types, where they played spin-the-bottle with a forfeit involving giving a blow job or taking it up the arse doggy style.
“This was when I graduated from ‘suck n spit’ to the full-on ‘suck-swallow-suck’ technique, and earned my spurs as a three-holer. Mummy was so proud of me when I told her.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.