Saturday, 23 October 2010

Sex Rating Fuckbook Spoof - No 1 Web Page

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chlamydia Twatrott, a recent Slapperology PhD graduate at one of America’s most prestigious universities, has written a spoof 42-slide Power Point presentation rating sex with a variety of lovers – ranging from a clusterfuck double penetration session with a gang of rapist pirates off the coast of Somalia in 2008 while on a yachting vacation (all ‘small guys’ suffering from premature ejaculation syndrome) - to strap-on dildo and rug-munching lesbian encounters in the company of Sec’ of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton, around Washington’s dirty dyke Beltway – to frustrating vanilla sex with coke-snorting impotent Ivy League banksters on Wall Street – to BD/SM games in the depraved depths of Colorado’s Satanic Central - deep underground, beneath Denver International Airport – to kiddie fiddling toyboy sex and child sacrifices in Scotland’s main Aberdeen-based pederast paradise – the Ferryhill Freemasonry Temple.

Titled ‘Excelling In The Realm Of Horizontal Academics’ – Chlamydia’s senior honours thesis sounds innocent enough, until you catch on to just what sort of ‘horizontal academics’ she’s talking about – the Fuckbook posting has now become a major world-wide web sensation and a graphic aid to masturbation fantasy arousal.
Alas, yet wholly predicatable in the internet age, the document was originally meant for the lewd consumption of a few bisexual female ‘sisters’ but ended up getting leaked to the university’s 14,000 student body - and from there to websites globally – around the world in eighty wanks, so to speak.

While posting on Fuckbook under the handle of Feryl Beryl McSkank, Miss Twatrott made the basic ‘blonde moment’ mistake of posting her own piccy in the homepage box. Hence zillions of people – including her own parents, tutors, family and friends, can now access far too much information about the 22-year-old and her disgusting sexual proclivities – with her gruesomely explicit and casually callous commentary on her male and female lover’s performances and their prowess — or lack of it — becoming a freebie internet porno’ sensation.

Illustrating her thesis with photos and a mix of pie and bar charts (which provide explicit physical details and show levels of her own orgasmic satisfaction – from moist to wet to gushing) Chlamydia mapped her lascivious four years of sexual activity at the £30,000-per annum Dyke University of North Carolina.

Each and every single encounter - from one-night stands to relationships of only slightly longer duration (two-night stands) is described from inception — usually with Chlamydia being blind drunk in a student bar called the Three Holers — to the loveless resolution of waking up the next morning with a hangover, a sore arse, an even weirder taste in her mouth (what was I sucking?) and rancid semen dripping down her thighs.

Some liaisons only ever made it as far as Doggers Wood, behind the Three Holers Bar, ending in a suck and spit blow job - or bent over, gripping her ankles and taking it up the bum as her period wasn’t finished. Others actually got to the sack only to end in tears when both male and female sex partners refused to go ‘downtown for supper’ and ‘eat her muff’ - as one jock so aptly phrased it “Okay, you’re sexy, young and vibrant – but your pusssy smells like a dead skunk.”

Back in 2009, after shagging most of the Uni’s lacrosse team and passing on a dose of the clap, she earned the sobriquet of ‘Slagella’ and the rest of the team avoided her like the plague, with the word on the street being “Fuck Chlamydia? – Hell no – not while there’s dogs on the streets” - and one team member candidly informing her “I’d sooner have a wank than fuck you, bitch.”

While scores of the ‘sexposed’ lovers have spit the dummy over the Fuckbook postings they’re stuck with the fact they did, for better or worse, consent to having sex with her, but certainly didn’t agree to having all their personal details and piccies pasted across the canvas of cyberspace – especially so being included in her ‘performance and staying power’ comparison graph of male lovers equipped with foreskins and those circumcised – whom she labels the ‘half-cock’ brigade.

While the men’s and women’s names were belatedly removed and their faces blanked out after many of them complained – and while none has spoken publicly, the word is on the streets that all are furious with Chlamydia’s lack of discretion – with more than a hint of litigation in the air for cyber-harrassment.

Conversely, the women’s website ‘Whoring Slags’ proclaimed “Chlammy has achieved icon status and provided us all with a sense of feminist self-empowerment. Here’s another reminder that women can be as aggressive and acquisitive about sex as men can – so fuck these whingeing jocks and their flaccid weiners.”

Have you porked Chlamydia Twatrott too? Is a piccy of your dicky pasted on her Fuckbook webpage? Does her snatch really stink like the beach at low tide? Did you catch any nasty Diseases of Venus?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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